“DEATH TO KENT WAYNE!”
Oh no! They’ve fucking come for me!
I slide out of bed and yank on my Batman underroos, hastily coiling my giant wiener around my thigh and tying it off with a quick square knot (so I don’t trip on the head). A peek out the window confirms my fears: a horde of beta males are on my lawn!
“YOUR PENIS HAS RUINED TOO MUCH VAJEEN!” their leader screams. “PRESENT IT FOR BEHEADING!”
“FUCK YOU!” I shout. “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE THE HEAD—PLAYING ‘JUST THE TIP’ HAS GIVEN MY LIFE MEANING!”
Beta Male Leader turns to his jawline-devoid cohorts. “TAKE HIS BALLS, TOO! BEWARE THE SPERM; HE’S SUPER VIRILE–EACH ONE COMES OUT AS A FULLY FORMED HUMAN!”
And then they charge. Fuck!
As they crash through my door and pile in my studio, I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A bolt of lightning crashes through my roof, flaring with white-hot intensity as it hits the floor. We all turn away, shielding our faces with raised forearms. When the wind dies down, we look again at the point of impact. Eyes widen, jaws drop.
Chuck fucking Norris is crouching before us, staring at the ground, right knee down, right fist pressing the burn-spotted floor. His left knee is cocked up, his left hand rests on its denim-clad edge. Like a knight before a fucking lord.
He slowly rises to his feet. “I am all that is man,” he rasps.
“RUAAAAHHH!!!” the beta male leader screams. “KILL IT! KILL IT BEFORE—”
Chuck turns into a human whirlwind—a whirlwind that throws Mach 5 roundhouse kicks. Heads fly off in stop-motion twitches, scrotums explode with the force of a bomb. He mows through them like a hot knife through soft butter, grinning delightedly as he rips off the last one’s arms and beats him to death with his own stumps.
“Ahhh.” He claps his hands in a dust-off motion, as if he’s just fixed some kitchen cabinets, instead of slaying and maiming dozens of humans. “Better workout than a bowflex superset, lemme tell ya.” He scratches his beard and looks quizzically at me. “Say, Kent…you wouldn’t wanna—”
I sigh loudly. “No Chuck. Like I said last time—I do NOT want to do naked bicep curls with you while staring at my reflection in a full-length mirror.”
Chuck shrugs. “Suit yerself. Commie pussy.”
Have you pissed off a mob of haters with your beautiful genitals? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha 
“Say, Kent…you wouldn’t wanna—”
I sigh loudly. “No Chuck. Like I said last time—I do NOT want to do naked bicep curls with you while staring at my reflection in a full-length mirror.”
Chuck shrugs. “Suit yerself. Commie pussy.”
AHAHAHA! I may or may not have laughed out way too loud again! 😆 awesome
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HEH heh heh! 😁
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Love your sense of humor Kent
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Thanks! 😊 It gets me in trouble outside of writing though…haha!
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I can see how it would… though I would think soccer moms and Chuck Norris would be a little more understanding. Hell, even the hamster…. this is Kent. Wayne. We are talking about!!
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All I can say is I am NOT cut out for the 9-5…😅
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Me either… oh wait…. I haven’t worked a 9-5 since eehhhh 2011. Livin’ the dream in A.K.
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Nice! I’m aiming for puerto rico in the next year or two, get back to podcasting and writing full time. Schemes are coming along! 🙂
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Sweet! Are you going to start a new science fiction series or…??
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A three-book YA fantasy series called the Unbound Realm. I have whole subplots, themes, and character names already written on my white board. It’s gonna be a big, meaty epic. 🙂
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That’s awesome!!! I’m a science fiction woman myself, so I loved Echo. Fantasy not my thing but I’ll look forward to seeing the updates as they come… who knows, might even have to pick one up once your finally write and publish it, just because you wrote it 😉
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I hope Echo didn’t get too weird, I know it kind of veered away from traditional sci fi as the story progressed. I’ll probably do sci fi again at some point but I gotta keep pushing the boundaries. Maybe I’ll hand-deliver you a signed copy, HEH heh heh! 😉
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I loved Echo. It was heart-pounding, unexpected and some of the scenes were just crazy good.
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Thanks so much! I may be old-fashioned in that there’s two movies that drive my writing: the first Star Wars and the first Matrix movie. Sure, I like all the philosophizing and character-building necessary to set those stories, but the whole time I’m writing, I’m aiming to set up the scenes that make my inner child stand up and cheer. Before I started writing Echo 1, I was thinking of the climactic scene in Echo 3. I want the same simple excitement I got when Luke blew up the Death Star, or when Neo goes apeshit at the end of the first Matrix. The rest is just investment for the payoff. ☺️
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ohmygoodness, yes, and that’s exactly what you accomplished! That’s why I want you to write more!! When people ask me about some of my favorite science fiction, I have mentioned your name, because I really enjoyed the series. More! More!!
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Ooh, I’d fly to Alaska and…KISS you (HEH heh heh) if I wasn’t in the San Francisco lockdown! I think I’ve pulled off the same stand-up-and-cheer moments at the end of Kor’Thank (still editing but it reads fairly smoothly now), but we’ll see if I can pull it off with the Unbound Realm (the YA series). Now that I’m housebound, I’ve already started drafting. I’ll start putting up roughs in a few days here. 😁
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Sweetness! (Kisses always welcome!)
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😘
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