“DEATH TO KENT WAYNE!”
Oh no! They’ve fucking come for me!
I slide out of bed and yank on my Batman underroos, hastily coiling my giant wiener around my thigh and tying it off with a quick square knot (so I don’t trip on the head). A peek out the window confirms my fears: a horde of beta males are on my lawn!
“YOUR PENIS HAS RUINED TOO MUCH VAJEEN!” their leader screams. “PRESENT IT FOR BEHEADING!”
“FUCK YOU!” I shout. “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE THE HEAD—PLAYING ‘JUST THE TIP’ HAS GIVEN MY LIFE MEANING!”
Beta Male Leader turns to his jawline-devoid cohorts. “TAKE HIS BALLS, TOO! BEWARE THE SPERM; HE’S SUPER VIRILE–EACH ONE COMES OUT AS A FULLY FORMED HUMAN!”
And then they charge. Fuck!
As they crash through my door and pile in my studio, I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A bolt of lightning crashes through my roof, flaring with white-hot intensity as it hits the floor. We all turn away, shielding our faces with raised forearms. When the wind dies down, we look again at the point of impact. Eyes widen, jaws drop.
Chuck fucking Norris is crouching before us, staring at the ground, right knee down, right fist pressing the burn-spotted floor. His left knee is cocked up, his left hand rests on its denim-clad edge. Like a knight before a fucking lord.
He slowly rises to his feet. “I am all that is man,” he rasps.
“RUAAAAHHH!!!” the beta male leader screams. “KILL IT! KILL IT BEFORE—”
Chuck turns into a human whirlwind—a whirlwind that throws Mach 5 roundhouse kicks. Heads fly off in stop-motion twitches, scrotums explode with the force of a bomb. He mows through them like a hot knife through soft butter, grinning delightedly as he rips off the last one’s arms and beats him to death with his own stumps.
“Ahhh.” He claps his hands in a dust-off motion, as if he’s just fixed some kitchen cabinets, instead of slaying and maiming dozens of humans. “Better workout than a bowflex superset, lemme tell ya.” He scratches his beard and looks quizzically at me. “Say, Kent…you wouldn’t wanna—”
I sigh loudly. “No Chuck. Like I said last time—I do NOT want to do naked bicep curls with you while staring at my reflection in a full-length mirror.”
Chuck shrugs. “Suit yerself. Commie pussy.”
Have you pissed off a mob of haters with your beautiful genitals? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀