I’ve flown across galaxies, observed the birth and death of quantum universes, watched as heat death devoured a parallel reality, silencing trillions of souls with its implacable freeze. I am a Divarianti: a cosmic being tasked with bearing witness.
And never ever ever—never once in my endless drift through the eternal reaches—have I come upon a creature as heinous as Kent Wayne.
His love of spicy sausages threatens the entire multiverse. The fallout from one requires a replacement toilet, in addition to the services of a professional plumber. The fallout from two is exponentially worse; earthlings need smoke jumpers, FEMA, and deathbed priests to deal with the catastrophic ass-gas. If he eats three, we all die.
And curse his mushroom-addled brain, he’s just eaten four.
I pace nervously along the Kuiper Belt, chewing my metaphorical nails as the Earth transforms from a cheery blue marble into a desolate brown mudball. I’m hoping it will stop but of course it doesn’t. The fecal devastation spreads outwards, extinguishing the sun in the blink of an eye. No. NO!
I turn and flee at the speed of thought. Mobius preserve us!
The miasma keeps coming, shredding nebulas and plugging black holes. Infinity Gauntlet Thanos tries to stop it, but he’s no match for the asshole-born (literally and figuratively) evil. He manages a brief scream before he’s disassembled at the atomic level.
It’s catching up! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!
No options left. I open my Akashic eReader to an epic sci fi novel called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Sloooowww….pause. Rewind. Zweeo-zaWOOP! (That’s the cosmic rewind noise, in case you were wondering).
ONE HOUR AGO…
Soccer Mom Prime snatches the sausages away from Kent. “You idiot!” she shouts. “Eat these sausages and you’ll unravel Creation! What were you THINKING???”
He mumbles an apology, which she accepts with a curt nod. “Take off your pants,” she orders. “Let’s have a look at that upcurved thicky.”
Of course he complies, and they spend the next few hours boffing each other senseless.
Jesus Christ. Thank Eternity for Soccer Moms!
Is some fleshling speck threatening to destroy all of reality with their gastronomic irresponsibility? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜