KENT WAYNE DOES NOT POSSESS A BRAIN.
IN THE GAPING CAVITY WITHIN HIS HEAD, THERE EXISTS A HARRIED RODENT KNOWN AS TRUE HAMSTER. THIS FURRY LITTLE DENIZEN IS CONNECTED TO A NEURO-HAPTIC INTERFACE, AND CONSEQUENTLY, IS ABLE TO CONTROL KENT’S BEHAVIOR.
TRUE HAMSTER HAS PILOTED KENT FOR THIRTY-SOME ODD YEARS. HE HAS FULFILLED HIS DUTIES WITH CONSUMMATE SKILL, RESTRAINING KENT FROM WHIPPING OUT HIS PENIS AT INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS, AND MINIMIZING THE INSTANCES HE’S BEEN TASED OR MACED. HE HAS MANAGED TO GUIDE KENT INTO A SEDATE OFFICE JOB, WHERE ALL SEEMS PLACID, ALL SEEMS WELL…
True Hamster here, or TH for short. Kinda busy right now…Kent’s wiener is always begging to be circled overhead like a goddamn lariat, but I’ve got it covered. Wiener’s gonna stay wrapped around the thigh and tucked into the sock, right where he belongs. Kent’s arrest record will remain unblemished—this I swear.
But it’s not easy. Kent has been subject to increasingly shitty corporate working conditions. Bright, false smiles. Meaningless catchphrases like “deep dive,” “giving 110%,” and “moving the goalposts.” Passive-aggressive horseshit, designed to drive him into a rage while denying him an outlet through which he can vent his world-ending fury. Kent has endured it all.
And he’s about to blow.
“RUH. RRRR…” Wiener shifts restlessly in his pants. I work a series of cerebro-chemical modulators, juggling dopamine and serotonin so as to keep his manhood from going apeshit crazy. Flick the re-amplifiers, tweak the gonadotropins…
Oh no! Kent’s primitive mud-mind is finally rebelling! The horrors of 9-5 life (9-6, really, when you factor in the unpaid lunch break, which is complete and utter HORSESHIT) have finally broken his fragile psyche!
“RUHHH!!!! RUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!” Kent’s wiener bursts free, eliciting screams and shouts from frightened coworkers. I frantically work switches and levers, but it’s no use—Kent Wayne has gone full-on craze-hole.
Fuck it. No options left. So I reach deep into Kent’s psyche and open the concept for an epic sci-fi novel called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The ceiling disintegrates, making way for a bright blue column of otherworldly light. It’s centered directly on Kent, who spreads his arms and looks to the sky as he slowly lifts up into the air. We’re steadily pulled into an alien craft, which, in an insanely fortunate twist of fate, is piloted by super hot Soccer Moms. Off we go!
(Needless to say, the Soccer Moms use him like cheap cupcake mix.)
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Are you withering away in a ball-withering 9-5? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜