You know, normally I enjoy living in the suburbs. I make fun of dad-bods, boff soccer moms, and chuckle to myself whenever a new Whole Foods or Starbucks springs up (happens on a biweekly basis). But one day a year, everything goes topsy-turvy. Up is down and black is white.
Today is that day. It’s Black Friday.
“Oh God,” I mutter, jiggling the handle on my car door. “What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck!” I told my buddy I’d give him a ride to the mall, but it was up to him to uber home. So I’m at the mall. On Black Friday. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!
As the sun crests the horizon, cars pour into the parking lot. They’re driven by the soccer moms who’re usually bugging me for a shot of my pork sword. But they’ve been fully taken by Black Friday Fever. Instead of ogling me and throwing much-welcomed catcalls at my juicy buttocks, they’re snarling and hissing, filling the lot with uncanny speed. In a matter of seconds, five SUVs are circling around me, honking their horns, keeping me in place like a Mad Max motorbike gang.
“We’re gonna rip your nuts off!” one of them hollers. “Two-for-one deal—it’s Black Fucking Friday, bitch!”
I cover my imperiled balls with both hands. “No!” I squeal. “You’re not yourselves! Think about what you’re saying! Think about—”
“No more talk! Let the sack-cutting commence!” They cut their engines and hop out of their cars.
Shit! There’s no way I can outrun these beast-ass moms; some of them Crossfit four times a day! So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The skies overhead flash with thunder. A rain of quinoa, scented candles, and gift cards for Target, Pier One Imports, and The Container Store rain down from above, flooding the parking lot with Soccer Mom swag. The effect is immediate; they turn on each other like wild honey badgers, ripping each others’ limbs off and tearing through organs so they can try and get at the yuppified bounty.
I make a break for my car, which finally responds to my damn key fob. Hop in, gun the engine, and I’m driving away, ugly-crying like Will Ferrell at his mid-2000s best. Never again shall I emerge from my house on Black Friday! NEVER AGAIN!
*quiet, desperate sobs*
Have you been caught in the commercial rush of holiday madness? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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