Where am I? Last thing I remember was my family gathering ’round, ready to pull my plug after a long battle with terminal illness…
“Use the Force, Luke.”
I look to my right and gape in astonishment. It’s Obi Wan Kenobi, in astral form! I look down at my transparent, light-infused body and my eyes widen a notch further. Oh shit—I’M in astral form! We’re racing alongside Luke’s X-wing, free from the bounds of time and space. My death on Earth must have launched me into this immaterial realm.
“Hey man,” I grin at Kenobi and extend my hand. “Huge fan. This part is so clutch; whenever I was a kid I’d get up and cheer as Luke—”
“Not now, imbecile.” Obi Wan throws me an irritated glance as our thought-forms flit through space, tracking side-by-side with Luke’s starfighter. “Don’t you dare fuck this up for me—I’ve been coaching this Tattooine redneck for the last several months, trying to get him to sack the hell up. You wouldn’t even be here if not for a cosmic glitch. I’ll send you on your way soon enough.”
Luke shoots his proton torpedoes and they slip into the exhaust vent. Obi Wan pumps his fist. “YES! Eat my ass, Darkside cockbiters!” Then he turns to me. “Now it’s your turn. Gonna send you to the lowest hell in the Dyriddian Hierarchy.”
“No, wait!” I hold both hands out. “You forgot one crucial thing! If you don’t—”
“SEEYA, smell-scrote!” He gives me the finger, and I go spiraling into the acausal reaches.
“FUUUUUUUUCK!” Countless realms swirl by, enveloping me in a blast of nonsensical concepts. If I don’t do something soon, I’m gonna be sitting on a thorny demon cock for the rest of eternity.
So I reach in my mind, tapping the concept for an epic sci-fi novel called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The reach of my psyche expands across the multiverse. For a single, exhilarating instant, I’m spread across the entirety of existence.
I have to do this now, before the entire Star Wars saga gets irreparably fucked.
“LUKE!” I holler. “LEIA’S YOUR SISTER! DON’T FUCK YOUR SISTER!”
I can feel his subconscious taking in this oh-so-important piece of information. When the time comes, his cock will stay where it rightfully belongs: in his goddamn pants. Whew! You’re welcome.
As for me, I ain’t gonna spend the rest of my days in some bunk-ass hell. Nah, bitch, Imma head over to the Enchanted Booty Forest! Elven Soccer Moms, here I come!
Are you the last line of defense against the Star Wars franchise becoming even more fucked than it already is? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜