Doc Miller, head of CERN’S ultra-classified Interdimensional Research Division, stares intently at a wall-sized monitor mounted before several rows of busy techs. They’re all dressed in lab coats, eyes flickering back and forth across their holographic consoles.
“What’s going on, Doc?” I’m reclining in an office chair, feet up on a desk, maowing down on a delicious-ass chilidog. I’m not doing a great job of it; the front of my shirt is coated in sauce.
“Please, Kent.” Doc’s voice is terse and strained. His gaze doesn’t shift; it stays locked on the monitor. “We’re in the middle of a crucial moment. Any deviation from established procedure, and the world will end in fire and ash. The only reason you’re here is because you’ve somehow seduced a gaggle of congresswomen.”
I gulp down the rest of my cheese-coated wiener, then lick my fingers clean. “Don’t be such a priss.” I get up from the chair and stroll up beside him. “What’re we looking at?”
His nose wrinkles as he gets a giant whiff of chili, cheese, and onions seeping through my pores. “A gateway into a fictional multiverse. Kent, your body odor is unconscionably horrific. Go back to your seat, or I’ll have security escort you out.”
A bustle of movement from directly behind. “Doctor! If my calculations are correct, then we’re in grave peri—”
It’s one of his aides, but I don’t realize it until it’s too fucking late.
“EEEEEE!!!” I flinch and fart, letting loose with a high-pitched scream. My ass-borne chili-death expands outward, filling the entire room with a green-tinged heat shimmer.
“Kent!” Doc Miller falls to his knees, gasping and coughing. Everyone in the room is choking and gagging. “What have you done??? If my techs don’t regulate the akindric energies, unspeakable horrors will breach our space-time aegis! You’ve doomed us all, you well-endowed buffoon! You’ve—”
Those are his last words before he trails off and dies.
Oh no! I look frantically around as red lights flash, strobing in time with a grating alarm: REEE! REEE! REEE! Interdimensional portals begin dotting open all across the room. Shadow-beings, insect-people, and tentacled monsters are oozing out of them.
What do I do??? WHAT DO I DO???
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My wiener bursts from my pants, growing twenty feet tall in less than a second. Angelic light pours off its sides. “ ’TIS I!” it snarls from its giant glans. “THE PENIS OF LEGEND, FRIEND OF KENT WAYNE, AND PROTECTOR OF THIS REALM! RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME, OR I’LL BLUDGEON THE LIFE FROM YOU WITH MY THICK, TUBULAR LENGTH!”
The monsters squeal in dismay, retreating back to their filthy worlds. Seconds later, the portals close.
A wave of relief crashes through me—Kent Wayne wins again! Thank the lord for the Penis of Legend! Ha HA!
Have you bridged our dimension with a network of Cthulu-infested realms? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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