Assholes don’t die. They just regroup and attack again.
Which is I’m hunkered in my studio-turned-fortress, peeking through my blinds at post-apocalyptic San Francisco. Eliot was right; the end came not with a bang, but with a whimper. Beta males arose out of nowhere and banned weightlifting, meat, and all penises over 3 inches long. Which puts me six inches deep in the “outlaw” category. Fuck my life.
I’ve managed to avoid detection by the skin of my nuts, hopping from safe house to safe house, employing facial prosthetics and fake IDs. But now they’ve come for me.
“KENT WAYNE!” a megaphone’d voice blares from the side of a chopper as it hovers over my lawn. “YOU HAVE BEEN DESIGNATED A CLASS ‘A’ PENILE OFFENDER! EMERGE FROM YOUR RESIDENCE WITH YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD, WEARING EXTRA BAGGY PANTS SO AS NOT TO SHAME THE REST OF US!”
Close quarters combat drones flood my lawn. I only have a few seconds before these robotic dicksmears kick my door in and send me off to big penis prison.
So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My wiener bursts from my pants, growing fifty feet long in less than a second. It flows outside in a giant undulation of glans and dickskin, carrying me with it like the rattle on the end of a pissed-off snake. The drones unload on it, peppering its thick, veiny length with 5.56 and 7.62.
“GODDAMN HERETICS!” it roars, rearing up to its full height of fifty feet. “YOU SHALL DIE BY SMEGMA—THE WORST DEATH POSSIBLE, HEH HEH HEH!
I close my eyes as every beta male in a hundred mile radius perishes under a thick, stinky blanket of rotting dick cream. Jesus Christ, what a horrid way to go!
But that’s what you get for persecuting big-wienered folk! Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Are you being hounded for having a great set of genitals? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜