Halaedi Stillblade pulls the reigns from astride his enchanted stag, causing it to rear back and halt before the cliff’s edge. I do the same.
“A treacherous expanse.” He surveys the forest below us with an intense, searching gaze. “Tread swiftly and silently, Kent of Clan Wayne. Else we invite the wrath of Wildwood’s predators.”
I shrug nonchalantly. “Whatever you say, nerd. I’m just here for the hot Elven moms.”
Halaedi throws me an annoyed look. “I understand you came to our world through an interdimensional portal, and consequently, you are unfamiliar with our customs, but would it kill you to refer to me by my royal titl—”
I hold a hand up, cutting him off, and sing “NERD na-nerd-nerd nerd!” in the same way Sisqo sung the refrain of the Thong Song (remember that shiz? Hard to believe it’s been twenty years. I know, right??)
Halaedi sighs, clicks his tongue, and his mount starts down the steep, cliffside trail. I follow in his steps, giggling under my breath. HEH heh heh!
HOURS LATER, WITHIN THE DEPTHS OF THE WILDWOOD FOREST…
“Stop,” Halaedi mutters, halting his mount and drawing his sword. It makes a sliding, grating rasp–unnaturally loud in the canopy-darkened forest. “We are being watched.”
“Huh?” I snap out of my daydream where my latest paramour—Faelania Sparkwind, Queen of the High Elf Protectorate and betrothed to a boring-ass jerkoff named Jeiyani Dei Lightwater (I gets ALL the elf queens, HEH heh heh!)—is all up on my junk, licking my ear and telling me she’s a naughty little girl.
“Kent!” Halaedi snaps. “Draw your sword, damn you! We’re going to be attacked any se—BY THE GRACE OF ARTOR, DEFEND YOURSELF!” Horse-sized spiders and anaconda-length millipedes come streaming out of the woods, clicking their mandibles greedily together.
“EEEE! EEEE!” I lose all semblance of composure and erupt with a series of high-pitched bitch-squeals. In my complete and utter panic, I manage to reach into my saddlebag and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My armor falls away, revealing a set of bat-symbol-dotted speedos. A hurricane of comics and multi-sided dice forms around me and surrounds me in a ferocious whirlwind of pure geekdom. As eldritch winds lift me off my feet, I tilt my head back and spread my arms, reveling in a wash of dork-powered fury.
“NERD!” one of the insects hisses, recoiling in horror. “HE IS A NERD OF THE HIGHEST ORDER! DISGUSTING!” Then they retreat into the dark of the forest.
After they’re gone and the spell has run its course, Halaedi gives my Batman-speedoed body a critical once-over. “Well well well…who’s the nerd now?”
People have posed this question to me in the past, and I’ve always shut them down with a never-fail answer.
“Imma nerd that’s packing HEAT!” I throw both hands down to my giant-bulged crotch in a “suck it” gesture straight outta ’90s pro wrestling. “Like a goddamn volleyball smuggler! Ha HA!”
Halaedi covers his eyes with a thumb and forefinger and expresses a long, protracted sigh. “Let’s keep going, shall we?”
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
Is your prissy AF fantasy-warrior companion trying to turn the tables on you in your never-ending quest to bust his balls? Never fear!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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