“SACRILIEGE!” Beta Male Prime cries from atop his tofu throne. He points his scepter at me and screams, “HIS GENITALS ARE FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL! FEED HIM TO THE DICK-WORMS!”
“NO!” I writhe helplessly in the grips of his testosterone-deprived lieutenants. “KEEP YOUR DAMN DIRTY DICK-WORMS AWAY FROM MY DAMN DIRTY DICK!”
(Might’ve come out wrong, but you get the gist. I wipe beneath the head every time I shower—I swear!)
My pleas fall on deaf ears. An army of nutless fucksticks envelop me in a sea of toneless limbs. I thrash and buck but to no avail; there’s too damn many of ’em.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!” Chuck Norris—dressed in nothing but his black belt, denim speedos, and a knee-length Odin-beard—busts into the chamber and starts doing squats with several hundred roundhouse kicks thrown in every few seconds. Meat-scented pheromones fill the throne room, flooding the Beta Males’ lungs with an unbearable blast of Eighties Macho. As “Eye of the Tiger” rings through the air, my captors clutch their necks and drop to their knees, their eyes bugging from their goddamn sockets.
A second later, after they’ve all died, Chuck puts his hands on his hips and looks me square in the eye.
“Say, Kent…do you wanna—”
“No, Chuck.” I shade my eyes with a thumb and forefinger, embarrassed and exasperated at the same time. “I do NOT want to get naked and do concentration curls with you while we stare at ourselves in a full-length mirror.”
“Suit yerself,” he mutters. “Commie pussy.”
Are you in need of a flame-jump driven, 1980s, action-star save? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜