Kent getting sleepy…very sleepy…Kent falling deeper and deeper into the realm of his subconscious…
Murgnug McNoog! Ha HA!
I twist my mental fingers into the aetheric soup, warping the fields of probability through sheer intent. (When it comes to manipulating “reality,” nonsense words are of great use—that’s why they feel so good to say).
And being the consummate Man Child/Whore that I am, a fractalized legion of Soccer Moms, Yoga Moms, and dinosaur-headed starships appear before me. I propel myself to a cross between a T-rex/X-wing, and take a seat in the pilot’s compartment.
Uh-oh…only room for one more.
The Soccer Moms merge into a single, uber-hot lady: Soccer Mom Prime. Capable of running billion-dollar corporations and medaling in the Crossfit Games while making the best damn PB and quinoa sandwiches you could ever dream of (surprisingly tasty, and in case you’re wondering, fair trade and organic, of course). Searing lasers shoot from her eyes, reducing her Yoga Mom competitors into withered, ashy husks.
She follows it up with a badass one-liner: “Corpse pose, bitches.”
Then she jumps on my lap and the cockpit glass lowers down. We go rocketing through the reaches of my imagination, laughing and groping each other with complete abandon. Eons go by as we play and cavort, freed from the dull prison of physical life.
Suddenly, a legion of slight, man-shaped shadows invade my dreamscape. They surround the cockpit and begin hammering away with their unholy fists. The glass begins cracking.
“What the FUCK!” I scream, looking fearfully from side to side.
Soccer Mom Prime is following suit, her beautiful eyes wide with panic. She opens her mouth, about to speak, when one of the cracks forms into a bullet-sized hole and a stream of shadows slip through. They pour down my mouth and into my ears, affecting my Manhood by -20 (my saving throw against micropenis fails miserably) and I instantly know what these things are:
The essence of beta males.
“AAAAK! PHBBTT!” I try to spit them out but to no avail. My gigantic wiener retracts from between my kneecaps and shrivels into a sad, tiny nub. My hard-earned muscle falls away, leaving me with saggy man-boobs, a receded chin, and no jawline. Worst of all, Soccer Mom Prime jumps off my lap and presses herself back against the wall of the cockpit.
“EEEEEEWWW!” she exclaims, her face twisting in disgust.
Tears and bitch-squeals pour from my face. There’s nothing I can do—I’ve been fucked up the existential butt. Beta male weak sauce has infected the very fabric of my inner being. I’ve…I’ve…
I’ve got one chance left. I reach under my seat, grab my eReader, and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A core of brilliance builds in my belly, shining through my skin, making my skeleton clearly visible. “Holy shamoley,” I murmur. I can feel the immensity of the power within—enough to crush worlds, enough to bend the entirety of existence to my will.
I’ve been injected with the essence of STEAKS AND SQUATS! STEAKS AND SQUATS, MOFOS!
Cabled muscle runs across my limbs and torso, restoring me to my former glory. I throw my head back and let out a roar, yarking out the gross-ass beta that’s infested my cells.
But there’s one last test I have to pass.
Soccer Mom Prime inches hesitantly forward. “Are you…did you…” Her hand pats my kneecaps, feeling around.
And grabs a fistful of glans. Yes—my wiener is back to its low-hanging self. Ha HA!
She grabs me by the hair, pulls my head back, and gives me a slobbery, tongue-heavy kiss. As our x-wing flies off into an alien sunset, the t-rex head mounted on the front lets loose with a thunderous bellow.
Have pedantic, small-wienered nitpickers invaded your subconscious and tried to infect you with a giant dose of “can’t?” Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜