AHHHH!!! DICK BURN!
Too much time alone has led to too much masturbation—now I touch it and it feels like sunburnt pink belly! Can’t masturbate until it heals—AHHHHH!!!
What to do what to do WHAT TO DO???
“Madam President, we can’t wait much longer. This bunker will only protect us from the initial blast.”
President Leoni leaned back in her chair, pressing both hands together in front of her face, her index fingers pushing against her lips. A contemplative gesture.
“What are our options?”
“Kent Wayne’s blue balls have awoken his genitalia. With consistent release, his penis stays normal length—hanging between his knees. But now, it’s grown to encompass the entire city of San Francisco in a long, snake-like coil. When it fully awakens, it’ll crush the nation, and then the world.”
“I’ve signed off on extreme measures. Results?”
“Our tier-one guys have tried to snipe it. When it laughed at them, they hit it with everything from naval gunfire to tactical nukes. Our next option is a world-killer bomb.”
“Which will have the same damn effect as his unrestrained wiener.” President Leoni leaned her elbows onto her desk and buried her hands in her hair, the very picture of pent-up frustration.
“We have another option,” SECDEF ventured. “DARPA’s been working on a magic eReader. If we open it to Echo, it will distort the fabric of reality itself. Can’t say for sure if it’ll make things worse or clear up our problem.”
Leoni stared at him with a dull, resigned gaze. “It has to be better than nuclear winter, or being crushed by a giant cock. Go with the eReader.”
SECDEF gave her a quick nod. “Yes ma’am.”
Holy fuck—my wiener is OUT OF CONTROL! If it gets any bigger, California will break in half! I’ve always wanted an extra inch or two, but this is RIDICULOUS!
*SECDEF opens the eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.*
Soccer Mom Prime blares through an emergency speaker system: “Hold still, Kent—I’m gonna kiss the tip. All that blue is gonna drain from your balls.”
“Um…ok…” I hiss nervously under my breath. “Just give me a warning before—”
And THAT, my friends, is how the world was saved from my horrendous case of blue balls. God bless Soccer Moms!
Has your inability to rub one out gradually grown into a world-devouring threat? Never fear!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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