My name is True Hamster.
What’s my function, you ask? Long story short, the imbecilic human known as Kent Wayne lacks a brain. Instead of a healthy chunk of gray matter, he has me—a genius hamster that powers his neurons by running on a wheel and interfacing with his body.
(It’s the worst job in all of existence. If I had a mantra, it would be “fuck my life.)
Every so often, I require assistance. Running Kent Wayne is a full-time job on top of a calling on top of a quest handed down from On Fucking High. I can clean up most of the shit-thought that takes root in Kent Wayne’s psyche, but a genius-ass hamster can only do so much.
So I reach down to my waist and shift a lever on the cerebral dashboard, activating Kent’s right hand. On the ocular monitor, I see it grab a handful of mushrooms and bring them up to his mouth. Chomp nompf glompf!
Thirty minutes later, the psilocybin hits. Kent’s aura opens up and his subconscious mind supersedes his ego, allowing him to experience extradimensional perception.
“What’s up TH?” A bunch of friendly little green doctors materialize next to me, giving me curious looks. They all look like cartoonish versions of Albert Einstein with emerald-colored skin.
“Nothing much, DC.” (TH, if you haven’t guessed, is short for “True Hamster.” DC is short for “Doctor Collective.”) “Some semi-annual maintenance is all. Gotta make sure that nothing grimy is hiding in Kent’s psyche.”
“Say no more.” The Doctor Collective closes their eyes. Silver cords snake out from the top of their heads and connect to the aetheric ports emerging from Kent’s sixth chakra. They’re now in the depths of his idiotic mindscape.
I study the psychic monitor with my beady rodent eyes, observing the Collective from the safety of Kent’s head. The doctors have donned a bunch of spacesuits—they look like transparent glowing astronaut ensembles with extra circuitry and a touch of steampunk woven into their design. The mystic surgeons wander through a mess of floating platforms which are occupied by robo fight-suits, hot-ass soccer moms, or both. As the little doctors drift through the aether, they prune away tiny bits of despair or doubt, or the idea that Kent will be stuck in a bunk-ass office job until he’s sixty fucking something.
“How’s everything look?” I call into the psychogenic microphone.
“Not bad,” the lead doctor calls back. “Looks copacetic. Good job on the maintenance.”
“Thanks,” I reply. “It’s been a pain in the fur, but I’ve managed to—”
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” one of the doctors screams. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????”
The monitor floods with nonsensical shit—desires for diamonds, rampant consumerism, and unintelligible arguments. Whatever’s in there is tearing apart the doctors one by one, feasting on their psycho-spiritual essence.
I frantically deploy a series of countermeasures, my nubby little paws working my dashboard as fast as I can. Nothing helps—positive thinking, faith, mental alchemy…
Oh no. I know what it is.
Irma Horfendorff. Kent’s evil ex.
Time for a hail fucking mary. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The spirits of Stephen Hawking, Neil De Grasse Tyson, Aristotle, and Joe Rogan form into a giant super-entity made of pure common sense. It blasts Irma with a chain of syllogistic logic, taking her apart with axiom after axiom.
“NO!” she howls. “NO!!!! DAMN YOU TRUE HAMSTER! DAAAAAAAAMMMMNN YOOOOOOOUUUUUuuuuu—”
Sh-POOP! She gets sucked back into the evil hell-realm from whence she came.
I collapse against my dashboard, breathing heavily, thanking the rodent gods under my breath. Irma Horfendorff and her crazy-ass ways…I’m lucky I’m still breathing.
Fuck you, Horfendorff! True Hamster lives to fight another day! Ha HA!
Has your psyche been infected by your crazy ex’s nonsensical horseshit? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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