“Can you feel it, Kent?” the meditation instructor asks dreamily. “Can you feel the energy rising through your chakras, charging your subtle body, transforming you into a golden dragon filled with love and—”
I open my eyes and give her a skeptical look. “Not really…to be perfectly honest, I can’t feel a thing.”
“Well,” she clears her throat, trying to hide her irritation, “it doesn’t always happen right away. Give it a little time, and—”
I try not to snort; I only partially succeed. “I’ve been doing this for two hours a day for the past six months. All I can think about is how much I love pizza, and power-fucking Soccer Moms. I’m starting to suspect that you guys lean heavy on the meditation angle because you can’t get laid as often as you want.”
Mediation Lady sputters, “That’s…that’s…” Her face turns beet-red. She points directly at me and screams, “HE’S USING LOGIC! GET HIM!!!”
Oh SHIT! They rise from their chairs, coming at me in a reeking tide of B.O-scented crystals (how the hell do you infuse body odor into a goddamn crystal? If you’ve ever spent a lengthy amount of time around a bunch of meditation freaks, you know exactly what I’m talking about). I flail my arms and tumble backwards in my chair, falling to the ground and rolling to my feet. They pile on top of me in a disgusting assortment of unkempt pit hair and pale, veganized, vitamin-B deprived flesh.
“Uck! Phbbt! GET OFF OF ME!” I twist and turn, closing my eyes and trying to push them away but I can’t do it; there’s too damn many of em. A skinny-limbed dork grabs a handful of patchouli and swings it down toward my face. I grab his wrist before it can touch my lips.
“Give in, Kent,” he hisses. “Give in to our noxious odors and our meaningless platitudes.”
I grit my teeth. Our hands shake as he puts his entire weight behind the nasty-ass patchouli-ball.
“Not…fucking…HAPPENING!” I reach in my pocket with my other hand and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A giant tide of soapy water builds against the window. Dirty hippies turn toward it, eyes widening with fear. Cracks start forming across the glass—cr-CRICK, cr-CRICK, cr-CRICK—and then suddenly—
—the glass collapses, allowing the clean-as-fuck water to slosh through the room, enveloping us all in a heavenly bath of lemon-fresh suds. Salvation!
But not for the hippies—they all screech like dying hyenas as their bodies wither into tiny, shriveled husks. Pretty soon it’s just me in a whirlpool filled with mummified corpses, laughing in delight like I just got my first boner. Get the fuck out of here with your sage and your crystals and your B.O-scented patchouli! You serious, bro???
Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜