Several weeks ago, I experienced an awakening. I realized that I am no mere human; I’m a timeless entity trapped in a seven-year old’s body. My knowledge is vast, my power immeasurable. I have laid low armies and crossed the divide between wondrous realms—fantastic planes that our present-day physicists are completely unaware of. And yet the razor-sharp irony does not escape me: for all my power, for all my knowledge, I am stuck in a puerile stew of manufactured education. Surrounded by dead-eyed teachers and pilled-up kids.
That’s right—I’m Kent Wayne, elementary school kid and interdimensional warlord.
Soon, these corporation-worshipping monkeys will feel my wrath. I will ascend the hierarchy of their puny world, and—
“KENT!” Ms. Blaskey points right at my face. “For the last time—GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE!”
My eyes narrow. “Watch your tongue, sow. I am attempting to extract a delectable treat from this ridiculous air intake affixed to my—”
She marches over to me and grabs my wrist. “Bad!” she hisses. She gives my hand a brisk, sharp shake. “Bad, bad, BAD! That’s how you spread GERMS, Kent!”
“Let…LET…” my face reddens as I try to wrestle my hand away, but it’s no use—she’s too damn strong. “LET GO OF ME! MAY THE DARK LORD ASTAROTH LAY A VIRULENT POX UPON YOUR WITHERED VAGINA!”
The entire class bursts into laughter. They start clapping their hands, chanting “Va-gi-NA! Va-gi-NA!” in time with their claps. Ms. Blaskey’s mouth drops open.
“That is IT! Go to the principal’s office! You are a bad boy! BAD BAD BAD!” She shoots a finger toward the door.
I am sick of this meat-grinder existence. I have no desire to align my psyche with the education-industrial complex. Its goal is meaningless: earning enough money to purchase a meaningless collection of unsophisticated status symbols. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.
If this were a movie, here’s where the camera would spin around me as magic slashes of light swirled up and down my body. My chest and limbs ripple and expand, erupting with thick bands of veiny muscle. My minuscule genitals grow plump and heavy, filling my pants with sweet-smelling cock-n-balls. My spine and legs lengthen and grow, until I reach my maximal height of 5’7” (Goddammit—I scored high on everything in the genetic lottery except for my motherfucking height).
An epiphany blazes through my full-grown brain: I was never meant to be an office-bound crawler, forcing pained laughs at powerpoint conference meetings and lurking around that goddamn water cooler. I now know what I was meant to be.
What I was DESIGNED to be.
I throw my head back and roar, “MAN WHORE ETERNUS!”
And then I whip my hips toward the window. My giant wiener smashes through the glass, wraps around a tree-limb, and I go shooting out the building into the clear sunny blue. As I swing from tree to tree and make my escape, I hear the kids behind me run up to the window, cheering and clapping with unabashed joy.
I chance a look back, and I see something that touches me deeply—down to the depths of my whorish heart.
Ms. Blaskey; holding back a tear, a hand to her heart, whispering, “Be free, Man Whore.”
Are you an eternal force for good? Have you been trapped in a seven-year old’s body? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜