Bitefighter, my loyal little buddy, 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire, and 83rd level intellect, yells: “ROOF ROWF ARFOLOGIST REX!” (THERE’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN STUPID AND BRAVE, KENT, AND YOU JUST CROSSED IT TEN TIMES OVER! FUCKING DUMB-ASS TWO LEGS!)
I lean forward and yell, “STOP BEING RACIST!”
He looks over his shoulder and gives me a small, furry middle finger. “Arf barko McBarkskies!” (We’re trapped in the bleed between dimensions because you couldn’t keep your cock in your pants! We need to get the fuck out of here! FAST!)
He’s right goddammit—he’s right. If I had just stuck with Soccer Moms, I would have been fine. Instead, I was lured into an evil gathering of Yoga Moms courtesy of their mouth-watering yoga pants (don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about—yoga pants are the greatest invention known to boners) and their sweet, sultry, yoga voices. Down dog all day EVERY day, baby! Know whu’m sayi—
“ROOF!” Bitefighter turns around in the cockpit of our multidimensional cruiser, and slaps me across the face. (Get ahold of yourself!)
“And how the FUCK am I supposed to do that???” I scream, clutching my cheek. “THEY SENT US THROUGH AN INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL! INTO A PLACE THAT MAKES THE NINTH RING OF HELL LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN CAROUSEL!” I fling a hand toward the enchanted glass that comprises our cockpit. Outside our craft, embodied concepts race alongside us. Malevolence, rage, and gut-churning vitriol snap at us with a variety of weapons. Due to our mammalian perceptions, we see them as tentacles and claws. In reality, they’re something far more horrible.
“Arfo Barko McRowf!” (Calm the fuck down, Kent—I’m fucking trying!)
SLAM! The craft rocks sideways. A set of cracks web across its surface.
“BITEFIGHTER! THEY JUST HIT THE—”
SLAM! This time it’s from the other side; alarms begin blaring inside the cockpit. A feminized, robotic voice says, “Multi-nauts—your craft has sustained critical damage. Breach is imminent. Multi-nauts—your craft has sustained critical damage. Breach is immi—”
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Musings, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“HI YO QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT!”Neil DeGrasse Tyson jumps out of a portal several hundred yards to our front. As we go racing by, he quickly jigs his hands, and then—
—grabs onto one of our thrusters, holding on as we jet through the multidimensional bleed. Despite the danger we’re in, I can’t help but wonder: how the hell is he even alive? The conceptual madness outside our craft would tear anyone to—
He screams, “LOGIC, BITCHES!” And extends his free hand toward our pursuers. Long chains of glimmering equations blast from his fingers, enveloping our attackers in clarion blazes of deductive syllogisms, fragmenting them apart into half-formed thoughts. Cheesy, triumphant music blasts through the air. Tyson does a triple somersault—hup hup HUP—onto the window of our cockpit.
He points at our cracked windshield and booms: “Let me just fix that for you.” He closes his eyes and mutters a bunch of stuff about black hole causality and string theory akindras (yep—I have no idea what the fuck he’s talking about, but it sure sounds cool). A magical light sweeps across our windshield and fixes the cracks.
He opens his eyes and blurts, “Gotta go! Schrodinger’s cat just invited me over for cheese and wine!” He snaps his lapels down, winks at us, and disappears in a twinkling fade.
Me and Bitefighter exchange astonished looks. We don’t have to say a goddamn thing. Neil De Grasse Tyson just saved our lives. Pull my scrotum over my dick and call it a bullfrog, that is some amazing shit.
Have you somehow been funneled into the bleed between dimensions, and now need to call upon the Greatness of Neil? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜