I’ve worn many hats: author, Man Whore, modern-day caveman…but now that I’m working in an office, I’m ready to try my hand at moving up the ladder. Yep—I’ve been studying the management, and it appears that none of them really know what they’re doing. But they all have total and utter unwarranted confidence.
And I believe that I too, can be a Confident Idiot.
So as I stroll into the office, I wipe away the veteran surliness off my face and shoot everyone around me a bright, shiny grin.
“Hey guys! Did you know you can make high quality candlewax using a mix of Mcdonald’s French Fries and plain old Windex? Yeah—you should try it out!”
My mouth keeps working, spewing out an unending stream of mildly interesting lies, entrancing my fellow office drones with I-know-what-I’m-talking-about cadence and rhythm.
HEH heh heh! All part of being a Confident Idiot.
SIX MONTHS LATER:
I clasp my hands behind my back, staring out the window of my giant corner office. OH yeah! Being a Confident Idiot has propelled me all the way up to the top of the food chain and earned me a spot on the board of directors. BOOYAH!
My secretary forwards me call after call, but I redirect the questions with meaningless non-sequiturs, handing them off to this guy or that guy while padding my statements with erroneous facts. The whole time, I’m working my smartphone at warp speed, crushing level after level of the latest version of Solitaire.
Lunchtime rolls around, and I decide to take my Confident Idiocy into the communal break room, so I can further secure my position in the company. As I stroll between tables, I continue blathering on about quantum physics, Keynesian economics, and entrepreneurial mindfulness techniques. I have no idea what the fuck I’m saying; all I know is that the more I speak and the less people listen, the more they pay me. OOH HOO HA HA!
But then, I realize I made a crucial mistake; I’ve forgotten to do my hourly jerk and put my cock to sleep. My wiener awakens with a thunderous roar.
“OH SHIT!” I scream, as my two-foot boner strains against my pants.
Everyone around me stops what they’re doing and stares in horror at my giant piece. Finally, one of them regains his composure and points directly at it.
“THIS IS NO MANAGER—HE EXCEEDS THE TWO-INCH LIMIT FOR UPPER MANAGEMENT PENIS BY A COUNTRY FUCKING MILE!”
“No—NO!” As I bend over and try to wrestle my hog into my right pants’ leg, my coworkers come at me in a snarling rush.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A magic wormhole opens before me, sucking me into the far reaches of the Enchanted Booty Forest. Elven Soccer Moms with enchanted booties fall upon me, making out with me as if they were horny tenth-graders, and I whisper a prayer of thanks to Odin the All-Father.
Goddamn—I am NOT cut out to be a Confident Idiot!
(Man Whore though…that’s a whole ’nother story. 😉 )
Have you tried to ascend the corporate ladder, and realized that your genitals are far too beautiful to reside amongst the ranks of Confident Idiots? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜