“Gather ’round, dickslingers of all ages. I dispense my wisdom to all Man Whores—past, present, and future.” The hoary old man beckons to us with wizened arms, inviting us all to sit closer. Clooney, Gosling, Efron, and myself bring it in.
Firelight reflects off his rheumy, ancient eyes. “You have all come so far in such a short time,” he rasps. “And yet you have so much further to go. Along the way, ’ware she who calls herself Martha, for she possesses a vast array of arcane powers, and will split your scrotum like an overripe grape.”
“Truly?” Efron’s eyes are wide and fearful.
The Elder Man Whore responds with a grave nod. “Truly. She has the power to fist ten men at a time, human centipede-style. Lean in, young Man Whores.”
We lean in.
“Should you find yourself facing her…” his eyes tick between our faces, “don’t forget to—”
“—die.” Martha’s voice rumbles from behind him.
The old man looks down at the base of his pelvis, staring disbelievingly at Martha Stewart’s blood-drenched forearm. It’s buried up to the elbow in his old, leathery ass.
“Hlllkk…KKKKK…” his eyes roll like marbles in their sockets, and then—
—Martha rips him in twain with a twist of her wrist. As his bisected body slops to either side, she rises from a bowed crouch, like an evil goddamn ninja who’s mastered the Asshole Death Touch, but is also able to bake bomb-ass cookies.
“Run.” She grins. “It’ll add to the fun.”
“HOLYFUCKINGSHIII—” Efron’s high-pitched squeal is cut off as Martha rips Gosling’s cock off and jams it down Zac’s throat. Clooney and I take off running, exchanging frightened glances as we tear through the underbrush.
After a few seconds, he blurts, “Sorry Kent!”
“What are you talking abo—”
“For THIS!” He coldcocks me with a wild backhand, sending me spinning to the ground.
I land on my side and stretch my arm out. “DAMN YOU, GEORGE—DAMN YOU AND YOUR GRAY-HAIRED BALLS!”
I stagger up and start running, but it’s too late. The underbrush is ripping and parting, bursting with demonic, throaty laughter. Holy fuck, this would make that pansy-ass mist-monster from Lost piss its ethereal underoo—
“YOU’RE MINE, KENT! AHAHAHA!!!”
And just as I feel her prison-hardened knuckles brace against my anus, I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Time crawls to a stop. I close my eyes, and my psyche reaches back to the wizened old Man Whore…what was he trying to say…Goddammit, I know he was trying to tell me something important…
“Should you find yourself facing her…”
“Don’t forget to…”
I strain harder, trying to pierce the psychospiritual membrane between life and death through pure willpower. If only I could just…
Don’t forget to eat bean burritos!
The magic of the eReader fills my colon with the filthy remnants of half-digested, extra cheesy bean burritos. Just as Martha threatens to breach the holiest of holies, I relax my sphincter, and—
[Dear reader: turn your brain off if you value your sanity]
“AAAAHHHH!!!” She clutches her Gross-coated fist with her other hand, watching in shock as the skin of her hand melts off the bone. “KENT WAYNE, YOU MOTHERFUCKING—”
As she howls and wails, I continue sprinting through jungle foliage.
Kent Wayne wins again, ha HA!
Has an ancient evil that’s escaped the big house with its nigh-unmatchable baking prowess come to sodomize you with a prison-hardened fist? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜