I shift my punchline three cultures over, adjust the timing, and incept it into a teenage mind.
[Your move,] I telepathically beam to my opponent: Grammar Nazi Prime.
He studies the Interdimensional Array–the vast arrangement of minds and imaginations between him and I. He moves an essay into a college professor: a dry-ass paper detailing the need for compassion and fairness, paired with the metaphor of an existential ocean.
[You sure?] I raise an eyebrow.
He keeps his psyche on the essay, wavering. A few seconds later, he lets it go. [Yes.]
My turn. I shift a logic-tight fantasy world into a budding comics creator, locking every potential move Grammar Nazi Prime can perform into an insignificant, unimaginative pile of pedantic shit.
Horror dawns in his bespectacled eyes. [No—YOU CHEATED!]
I grin at him across the acausal expanse. [Nope—it was a simple matter of deliberately reducing my dogma and ritual. You, on the other hand, have locked yourself into a reactive, unsustainable prison. It’s not that I beat you..] I pause, letting it sink in for a second.
[It’s that you never had a chance.]
[RUAAAHHH!!!] GNP goes apeshit crazy, blasting lightning bolts and platitudes out at me from his asshole chakra (no surprise there) directed toward my psychogenic semblage. I dart between dimensions, avoiding his frenetic barrage of Grammar-borne fury. Ha HA! Can’t touch me, I’m Kent Effin’ Wayne, sci fi author and consummate Man Wh—
And then he hits with a horrid blast of red-ink slashes and utter intolerance for sentence fragments. I scream in pain, trying desperately to keep my being from unraveling. Holy shit, how do English students FUCKING STAND THIS??? I’m about to undergo complete discoherence.
Only one option left. I reach deep in my mentum, and tap into the sci fi story Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
[What’re you–] His eyes widen. [NO!]
The essence of squat racks, ribeyes, and hill sprints comes flying at him, tearing at his psychic integrity with unheralded viciousness. That’s right, bitch—ain’t no Grammar Nazi that can take on the power of SQUATS, much less ribeyes and hill sprints! BOOYAH!
As GNP fragments into a dazzling fade of glittering motes, his outraged scream diminishes into a faint whisper.
[DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAAAAMMMNNN YOOOOUUUuuuuuu…]
Ha HA! There ain’t no GRAMMAR NAZI that can take on Kent fuckin’ Wayne! You serious, bro?!? Get the fuck out of here! HEH heh heh!
Are you involved in a mind vs. mind chess match with a nitpicky piece of crap that wants to confine your ideas to a prison of dead, unreadable writing? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization.
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜