How ya doing. True Hamster here.
You may know me as the decision-making component of Kent Wayne’s brain, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a higher aspect of me that isn’t just in charge of his causal behavior, but the very manner in which he navigates reality. It requires intense meditation to tap, and isn’t something I do lightly. Accordingly, I’ve prepped myself with various rituals, both mechanical and magical.
I sit cross-legged within the vast emptiness that constitutes the interior of Kent Wayne’s skull, and tap my higher self:
I rocket free of my physical form, piercing the veil of time and space, observing the acausal movements of the idiot human known as Kent Wayne. In the aether, he’s not defined by a chronological coordinate, so he visually approximates a stack of bodies pressed nut to butt (as if his past, future, and present iterations were formed into a giant Kent-ipede, if you will). I still appear as a ghostly version of my physical self, only now my eyes are filled with unknowable mandalas. Unlike Kent, I do not appear as an elongated array of time-organized forms.
(That’s right bitches—there’s only one Original Hamster. And he’s fucking eternal.)
The aetheric landscape is fantastic, but I’ve spent plenty of time training in it, so it doesn’t come as a surprise. I maneuver the Kent-ipede through the translucent aether with consummate skill, making him dodge dead-end jobs, unfulfilling ruts, crazy random assholes…this is too easy, I should ask for better karma, next time I—
Oh SHIT! It’s Irma Horfendorff–Kent’s wife! Her thought-form hooks its mandibles into his extradimensional length of infinite buttcheeks. The Kenti-pede cries out in agony, quickly turning from a healthy virile spirit into a shriveled little Beta Male.
FUCK! Only a few moments left before she completely drains him!
Goddammit–no options left. I dip into Kent’s psyche and tap the concept for the science fiction story called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A surge of Aristotelian logic erupts from Kent, enveloping Irma in a blast of syllogistic deductions, solid conclusions, and good ol’ common sense. She shrieks and caws, filling the aether with the vilest swears you could ever imagine—like a sailor who’s just come down with drippy dick before he was scheduled for some bomb-ass shore leave.
Irma twirls in place, morphs into a flutter of black-winged bats, then disappears.
Whew! That was a close one!
Are you the guardian spirit of a wayward human who’s about to become entrapped by a vengeful paramour? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization.
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜