“There’s nothing in the Soccer Mom regs that tells us how to handle this—not even a PRECEDENT, goddammit!”
I pat the air with both hands, trying to calm Soccer Mom Prime. “Look we still have electrolyte mix; we can still–”
“It’s not ENOUGH, dammit!” She slashes her arm from left to right, making it clear we’re in deep fucking shit. “Clarissa–you know as well as I do that thousands of soccer moms are being hospitalized RIGHT NOW because they couldn’t stop gushing on Kent Wayne’s unbelievably beautiful upcurved wiener! We need to do something soon, or we’re all gonna die!”
I open my mouth to answer, to try and provide a rationale as to how we’re gonna make it through this, but nothing comes to mind.
Because she’s right, dammit. She’s right.
SMP rubs her temples with the tips of her fingers. “We can’t kill Kent—no other set of genitals in the entire history of human civilization can compare to his. It’d be like killing a goddamn unicorn.”
“I think I can convince him,” I venture. “If I could talk to him face-to-face…”
“Go.” SMP flaps a hand at me. “Might as well try. We’ve exhausted every other option, so what the hell.”
ON THE APPROACH TO KENT WAYNE’S SAN FRANCISCO STUDIO…
The aircrew chief gives us the hand signal for five minutes, and we all relay it. My fellow soccer moms will be providing me with protection after we land. You might be questioning the need for a security detail, but rest assured–I need one, no two ways about it. This mission is imperative to our survival—we can’t afford to be fucking around down there.
As the helo lands, rotor wash flattens the grass into a trembling mat of green needles. We all hop out. I can’t hear the crew chief over the noise, but I see her mouth a “Good luck,” before the chopper lifts off. My protective detail get into formation and we make our way toward the studio. They kick in the door, clear the corners, and we’re inside the kitchen.
Kent Wayne’s soft snores carry over from the other part of his studio; it has a doorway but not a door. God, even his snores are sexy…
One of my team members loses her shit. She unslings her submachine gun and chucks it out the front door.
“I CAN’T TAKE IT!” she screams. “I NEED THAT UPCURVE!”
“No!” I yell. “Try and resist it! We have to–”
And then the three other moms follow suit; they abandon their weapons and charge toward Kent on all fours, deep in the throes of Girth Fever (yes, it’s a thing, and yes, I made it up. Ha HA!).
And then it hits me. NyaaAAAHHH GOTTAGETMESOMEUPCURVE!
As I gallop forward, my tongue whipping back and forth from my drool-coated lips, I spot Kent’s eReader lying on the floor. I muster my last surge of will and kick it open to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Instantly, every Soccer Mom within our ranks is fitted with a fully loaded IV camel-bak equipped with a state-of-the-art vacuum pump. As my team takes turns riding Kent’s super thick piece, the camel-baks feed them much-needed liquid and keep them from dying.
Thank the Maker! Now we can enjoy his wiener without living in fear of life-threatening dehydration! Whew!
Do you fear being drained of all vital nutrients from your earth-quaking monster-gasms? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization.
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜