There’s no excuse for bad pizza. None.
I turn away from the street-cart pizza vendor, cramming the last of his overly sauced slice of travesty into my noms, gobbling it down as Adulting Incorporated’s jetpacked hench-cocks come swooping in on me. They fire their net-guns—POOM POOM POOM—attempting to snare me in their evil webs. I zig and zag, barely managing to avoid the entangling fibers; I can hear them hitting the San Francisco sidewalk with muted swishes.
As I hurdle over a Labrador (reach down and give it a quick scratchie; I don’t EVER pass up the opportunity to give dogs scratchies! 😀 ) one of the henchmen yells, “ONLY A MATTER OF TIME, KENT—ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE LOCK YOU INTO A LITTLE GRAY CUBICLE WHERE LEADERSHIP-DEVOID MANAGERS GET TO SCRUTINIZE AND NITPICK YOUR EVERY MOVE! HEY, IF YOU’RE GOOD, MAYBE WE’LL LET YOU WORK IN AN OFFICE WITH A WINDOW! BWAHAHAHA!!!”
Shitballs! Sweat flies from my brow as I dodge another trio of their nefarious nets. Fucking Adulting Incorporated…trynna fuck my third eye with their ugly, disease-ridden psycho-cocks and impregnate my soul with their demonic concepts! Fuck THAT!
This situation, I realize, is completely untenable. Not only do they have the high ground, they have ALL the ground; their jetpacks allow them to freely maneuver, whereas I’m restricted to whatever turns are laid out ahead of me.
So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“CHECK OUT MY RUSTY BULLET HOLE, BITCHES!” I scream, yanking down my shorts and giving them an eyeful of my unshaven pooper. “SIX MONTHS OF HAIR AND DINGLES! I’VE BEEN SAVING IT ALL FOR YOU TYRANNICAL FUCKSTICKS!”
And then, through the eReader’s arcane properties, my regular fart becomes amplified into the galaxy-rending horror known as the Breakup Fart. Unmentionable detritus flies from my b-hole, assaulting my pursuers with hurricane-force impact. I hear their triumphant yells turn into horrified wails.
“FUCK! CALL HQ—WE NEED BACKUP! WE NEED–”
“BOTH ENGINES COMPROMISED! GUYS, I’M GOING DOWN! I’M FUCKING–”
I glance over my shoulder (I’m still bent over in the spider-monkey fucking position) and watch as all four goons spiral wildly, desperately trying to maneuver safely to the ground. It’s no use; each one hits, disappearing into a giant cloud of slow-motion, eighties style explosion. The thermal draft picks me up and I fly through the air, wind-millling my arms and letting loose with a protracted cry that would bring a tear to Arnold or Sylvester’s or Chuck Norris’s eyes.
*cheesy eighties cop show theme*
Has Adulting Incorporated sent one of its evil-as-fuck capture teams to confine you to a little gray cubicle? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization. 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜