I bolt up in my bed, shocked awake by a chorus of howls.
Something’s not right. I throw off the covers, race over to the window, and rotate the handle on my shuttered blinds. As they lift open, I peer nervously through the cracks. Holy shit—the entire neighborhood’s gone buck fucking nuts! People are rampaging through the streets, dressed in nothing but their pajamas and nighties, smashing anything they can get their hands on, or pummeling each others’ face in with unthinking, fast-zombie rage.
I close the blinds and plunk down before my laptop, frantically scanning through a mess of headlines. Power grids are failing one by one, traffic’s come to a halt, first responders’re overwhelmed…WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???
My screen blinks and fritzes. After a couple seconds, it resolves into an image of a dignified old guy in a three-piece suit. He’s seated at an oak desk with a giant emblem of the National Security Council hanging in the background, staring gravely into the camera.
“Do NOT go outside—I repeat: do NOT go outside. Due to unknown causes, the fast-forward option on all pornography has been rendered inoperable. People are succumbing to homicidal insanity, tearing apart infrastructure at an unprecedented rate. Barricade yourself in your homes and—OH HOLY JESUS!”
He’s interrupted by the sound of breaking wood. As he reaches into his jacket and fumbles for a shoulder-holstered pistol, a rabid mob pours into his room. He manages a single shot before they overtake him in a frenzy of limbs.
The last thing I see is a red-veined pupil peering into the camera, then it topples sideways and the screen lapses into a staticky haze.
I straighten up in my chair, my eyes wide with fear. According to Old Guy McOldskies, it’s now impossible to fast-forward through any type of porn…how long before my sanity begins to slip? How long before I go mad with rage?
I squinch my eyes shut, feeling the beginnings of Crazy tugging at the edges of my brain. FiftyPlusMilfs without a fast-forward option…I open my eyes and focus on my right hand, bringing it up to eye level. My fingers quiver in random little tics, heedless of my efforts to still their movement. I slap them closed with my left hand and bring both hands down to my belly, clenching them into fists.
I can still feel them shaking and jumping. Can’t…hold on…MUCH…LONGER…
No options left. I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A second later, my front door blows open. Super hot soccer moms—all gucci’d out in the latest and greatest tactical wear—clear my studio with tricked-out submachine guns. Four of them form a protective diamond around me. They usher me out into an unmarked Blackhawk, and we take to the skies.
“Quick!” one of them yells, ripping off my pants. “He needs three mouths and one finger! NOW!”
I try to yell, “Hold the finger!” but OH HOLY ROBOT JESUS IT’S ALREADY IN THERE!!!
Then they get to work, working the shaft and cradling the balls with consummate skill. My sanity is instantly restored.
Huh! Who knew that being molested by a gang of soccer co-momdos could quench the undying rage that comes from watching porn without the option of fast-forwarding to the good stuff?
(Let us never speak of the finger.)
Is our fragile civilization collapsing around you due to the SINGLE GLARING VULNERABILITY THAT NO ONE EVER MENTIONS? COME ON, PEOPLE!!! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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