I make a beeline for the bathroom, clutching my butt with both hands. No matter how much I suffer, I can’t stop eating ghost pepper burritos, and godDAMN do I pay for it! I inevitably get sucked into a race against time where I make it to the toilet JUST before I—
Ohhhhhh…YEAAAAH!!! (admit it—the “made-it-just-in-time dook” feels WAY better than sex. If it weren’t so damn painful, we’d all be doing it on a constant basis)
My right leg straightens and quivers uncontrollably, like I was an ecstatic dog in the throes of Scratchies. Tears of joy roll down my cheeks as I shed 20 lbs. in less than a minute. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear a choir of angels lift their voices in harmonic unison. My God…the motherfucking ecstasy…
Then I see it: the toilet paper dispenser, fitted with nothing but a cardboard tube that boasts a bold, two-word message:
And then, in smaller lowercase:
(sincerely, Grammar Nazi Prime)
Beads of sweat spring out on my forehead. That FUCKER! He KNEW I was gonna take a Deathstar Dook—he KNEW it! Now I’m trapped in a dank hellhole, at the mercy of the horrific stank emanating from my contaminated backside.
First thing’s first—I flush the toilet, buying myself some time. That should prevent my Nasty from forming into a towering, city-eating horror show, but I still need toilet paper. I estimate I have four or five minutes before I am well and truly fucked.
Grammar Nazi Prime’s laughter rings through the air, courtesy of a hidden intercom planted in the walls. “Ha ha ha—AHAHAHAHA! T hought you could buck the rules of writing and get away with it? There’s no room for authors like you, Kent—you’re a fluke in literature. A laughable mishap. Now you’ll die from your own, fetid butthole. How fitting.”
“There’s one thing you didn’t account for, dickbag,” I rasp through gritted teeth.
“I wait with baited breath.” I can picture him smiling on the other end.
“My magic eReader.” I whip it out from my right pants’ pocket and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Grammar Nazi Prime, along with a giant roll of Charmin Ultra Strong, teleports into the bathroom. For a few seconds he looks to either side, puzzlement playing across his bespectacled expression. Then his eyes widen with dawning horror. He snatches up the Charmin and pushes it toward me.
“Wipe yourself, Kent! For the love of God—WIPE YOURSELF! YOU’LL KILL US BOTH!!!”
I respond with a dark, gritty smile. “I can last a helluva lot longer, since it’s my own brand. By my calculations, I estimate I have a three or four minutes, give or take. What about you, sperm gargler?”
He races to the door and jiggles the handle. “No…NO!” Then he sinks to his knees, turning his trembling hands up to his face. The skin is beginning to slough off their bones.
“You locked it from outside, didn’t you?” I throw him a predatory grin. “To keep me trapped in here. The tables have turned, asshole.”
“Kent!” He swivels back to me, his face wet with tears. “PLEASE!”
“Breathe it in, cuntpunter. You brought this on yourself.”
I changed my mind—the “made-it-just-in-time dook” is NOT the pinnacle of earthly pleasure; it’s watching your arch nemesis dissolve into a puddle of rotting goo, courtesy of your own world-destroying brand.
As Grammar Nazi Prime is reduced to a bubbling pool of slimy ichor, I clean myself up and emerge from the bathroom.
Ahhh…the air has never smelled so goddamn fresh. Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!
Has your mortal enemy tried to get you to commit seppuku by stank? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜