“What is it boy? Whatcha got, huh? Whaddaya smell?”
Wiener turns his bowling-ball-sized mushroom tip up at me and replies with a querulous grumble. Shit—that could mean anything; he and I have a mutually beneficial relationship, but I can’t understand a word he says. Kinda messed up, huh? I’ve always wondered why dolphins and dogs can understand us but we can’t understand th—
“Ca-CAW!” Wiener raises several feet into the air and stares raptly ahead.
“What is it, Wiener? What do you—”
Instead of answering, he worms energetically across the ground, pulling me right along with him. The forest races by in a blurry flash of sunlit foliage. We sprint through a hundred yards of tangled underbrush, then break into a clearing.
“Kent Wayne.” Grammar Nazi Prime grins at me from the center of the meadow, a blowup doll of Martha Stewart in his pasty little hands. He lets the doll drop to the ground. It hits the grass with a soft, muted thump. “Couldn’t resist the scent of Martha, could you? How mind-numbingly predictable.”
“Leave Martha out of this.” I clench my fists and raise them to my sides. “The relationship we have is…it’s complicated.”
Grammar Nazi snorts. “Are you referring to the time she put you in a rear naked choke and went four fingers wide, three knuckles deep into your unwashed stink-hole?”
My face reddens. “That’s…that’s…THAT’S HITTING BELOW THE BELT!”
He chuckles condescendingly. “A more appropriate expression might be: ‘below the large intestine and a few inches to the right of your gallbladder.’ You’re finished, Kent. We’ve got you surrounded.” He spreads his arms wide. Shadowy silhouettes emerge from the trees.
I look around in dawning horror. I’m surrounded by a murderous horde of my fiercest enemies. Emo Poets, Beta Males, and any small-dicked hater who couldn’t hold back a jealousy-borne tear when they used the urinal next to me and snuck a peek at my beer-can-thick piece. (In case you’re wondering, that last group of turds is the largest in number by a country mile).
My eyes steel over. “So you’re holding all the aces—that what you think?”
Grammar Nazi smirks. “I’d say so, yeah.”
“Well I beg to differ, cock-monkey.” Then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The Martha Stewart blow-up doll suddenly turns into the REAL Martha Stewart. She kips to her feet and uppercuts Grammar Nazi Prime right up his anus. He manages a surprised gasp before her fist cuts a bloody gash through his organs and back muscles, popping his head off like an over-pressured cork. The decapitated melon soars hundreds of feet into the sky, marring the air with a spotted trail of chunky gore.
Martha looks from side-to-side, eyes narrowing in nut-shriveling battle-fury. My would-be attackers take an involuntary step back.
“You fuckboxes made a big mistake when you used my likeness to set an ambush for my favorite Man Whore. Get ready to pay, cuntpunters.”
And then she starts kicking off heads, punching through hearts, and choking dudes out with their own intestines. I flee from the clearing, sobbing in relief and terror, for Martha Stewart has woken from her slumber, and Martha gets what Martha wants. I am piss-your-pants scared, but…but…
I look down at my crotch. Holy shit—I am ROCK FUCKING HARD.
(Gimme a call, Martha!)
Have your enemies lured you into a trap using a blow-up doll fashioned after one of your secret celebrity crushes? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜