Hylithian Lyresong pulls back on his reins, halting his mount a dozen yards from the cliff’s edge. I follow suit, and my rainbow-streaked unicorn stops right next to his.
“Look yonder, Scout Wayne. I know you’ve only just been inducted into our ranks, but—”
My eyes light up. “Yo—being an Elven Bladesinger is the TITS! Here, smell my finger. Last night I—”
He pushes my hand away, a flash of annoyance playing across his fine-boned features. “Your childish antics turn my stomach. If I was your regimental commander, I’d—”
“You’re just jealous I’m slaying all dat Elven ass. Get over yourself.”
“—put you through the Trial of Blades until you learned your lesson. Lysha’s Harp—you are a disgusting little creature.”
“Prick,” I mutter.
“See that?” He extends his arm, pointing to our front. “I was trying to tell you—something approaches. And it appears to be ruinous.”
I peer into the distance, trying to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. Fucking stoopid-ass pointy-ears all bent out of shape because I’m widening Elven vajeens left and right…it’s not my fault that all these magical-ass maidens go buck fucking nuts for a girthy upcurve.
Whoa…hold on a second…what the…
Hundreds of yards ahead, fifty-foot pines are falling at an alarming rate, skewing left and right, carving a giant furrow in the forest below.
“The fuck?” My brow wrinkles in puzzlement.
“Come.” Hylithian wheels his mount around. “Whatever it is, it’ll be on us in seconds. We must alert the queen.”
We gallop away, the sound of crashing timber hot on our heels. Unearthly howls rips through the air, shriveling my nuts into a fuzzy little peach pit.
“FASTER, KENT!” Hylithian ducks lower on his steed as it leaps into the air and clears rotting log covered in mushrooms. “IT’S GAINING!”
I look back and spot something I never thought I’d see in this enchanted realm: every soccer mom I’d once widened with my prodigious womb-hammer is tearing through the underbrush, churning up a maelstrom of dirt-swirling fury.
“KENT WAYNE!” they scream in a collective wail. “EVER SINCE YOU DEPARTED EARTH, WE HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO EXPERIENCE A WALL-WIDENING FUCK-SESH! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!”
“I’ve used up all my sperm on Elven hotties!” I call back in a panicked shout. “It’ll take months before I build up enough seed to satisfy your demands!”
“THEN DIE, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SPERM-DEPRIVED SHIT!”
I look at Hylithian, who locks eyes with me and responds with a grim little shake of his head. He faces forward and begins chanting under his breath. I can see his lips moving; it’s a goddamn funeral prayer.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A chain of medium-rare ribeyes fall from the sky. I tilt my head back, open wide, and—
“GALUMPH GALUMPH GALUMPH OMMERNOMMERMCNOMSKIES!”
—maow them shits down. The giant serving of All That Is Man courses through my veins, engorging my balls with a fresh load of swimmers, all infused with the sweet tang of organic pineapple.
I backflip off my mount and land in an anime-style crouch. “GO!” I yell at Hylithian, who throws an incredulous glance at me from over his shoulder. “I’VE GOT THIS!”
As he gallops away with my riderless mount, I can see his mouth working—he’s trying to find something appropriate to say. A second later, he mouths, “Thank you, Man Whore.”
“Not a problem,” I mouth back. Then I stand and turn, facing the horde of soccer moms undulating toward me. I unzip my fly, and as my mouth-watering piece telescopes outward and quivers several feet in front of my face, I utter five words in a take-no-shit rasp:
“Come and get you some.”
*Swords and Sorcery porn music*
Have you been transported to a dreamworld of magic and neglected your carnal duties back on Earth? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜