Christ. Hard fucking night.
I take a drag off my cigarette, flip through a dirty stack of ones, counting em, then stuff em into the pocket of my weathered trench coat. You may think it’s all rainbows and rimjobs for a Man Whore/author/professional scrotum model/noir detective, but lemme tell ya—it’s anything but. It takes a lotta work to make the ladies eyes roll back in their skulls, and to soak the bedsheets with enough love-goo until they resemble an oversaturated towel in the middle of a wash cycle. Sometimes I wonder: what if I’d lived a different life? Suit and tie, quiet marriage, 2.5 kids…white picket fence and a couple a’ dogs…
I take another drag off my cig, smiling ruefully as I stroll down the street, hands in my pockets. Nah—fuck all that. I may bitch and groan, but soccer moms need orgasms, and I’m the guy to hand em out. God blessed me with a girthy upcurve; it’d be nothing short of tragic if I didn’t get paid for it.
The rain picks up, spattering loudly off decades-old cement and filling the air with that old familiar smell of motor oil, mildew, and asphalt. San Francisco’s a hard, uncaring bitch, but after all these years, after all the miles, I still love her.
I’m humming one of my favorite tunes from Leona Lewis (Man Whore with a heart of gold—cliche as fuck, I know), when the street lights fritz and abruptly go dark. What the fuck?
I lift the band of my fedora, turning slowly in place. Dark silhouettes emerge from the shadows, gloved fists down by their sides.
Their leader steps forward, smacking his knuckles into an open palm.
“Man Whore Wayne. Been waiting a loooong time for this.”
I take a drag off my cig, brace it against the tip of my thumb and middle finger, then flick it into a puddle. “Howzabout we all go our separate ways and drink each others’ health, huh? I just plowed a dozen ladies—gave em an express ticket to the DMT realm so they could dance and party with the fifth choir of angels. Kinda tired, you know?”
Their leader chuckles. “All the more reason to beat your ass. You’ve left nothing for us Beta Males.”
Beta Males. Fuck.
I blade into a fighting stance and raise my fists. “You up-speaking fucks hurt my will to live. Well come on then—don’t keep me waiting.”
They rush me all at once, chopping the air with straightened hands. I charge forward, leaping forward and torquing into a vicious superman punch. My teeth bare into a satisfied snarl as I pulp the first one’s face with a masturbation-strengthened fist. My joy is short-lived; the rest pile on top of me, grabbing, kicking, punching. I might’ve been able to fight them off when I was twenty years old, thirty even, but there’s…so…many…
(any of you who’ve read Dark Knight Returns—y’all know what I’m talking about. FIVES! 😉 )
Fuck this. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
High quality protein powder materialize in my fists. I open my right hand, blowing into it and rotating in place, staying in a hunched crouch, spraying Optimum Nutrition’s best amino acids into the faces of these testosterone deprived fucks. If this were a movie, here’s where you’d cue the high def slow-motion. My attackers stumble back and scream, clawing at their eyes as their faces ignite with a gut-dropping WHOOSH.
(Beta Males can’t stand anything that ups their Man Quotient, in case you were wondering.)
I let em have it with the second handful, making em go full-on bonfire. The passel of would-be ass-beaters flee into the night, wailing and crying as brilliant, multicolored fire consumes their bodies. I run the other way, cackling like the cat that just got the cream.
Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA! 😀
Are you a beaten down dickslinger who’s just been accosted by a bunch of jelly AF Beta Douches? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜