I pull the boogie out from my noise and turn it back and forth, holding it up to the light as I appraise it carefully, like an expert jeweler. A second later, Connor Johnson bursts into the boys’ room, followed by a dozen of his eight-year old cronies.
“EEEEWWWW!!!” He levels an accusatory finger at me. “Look at Kent—he’s about to EAT HIS BOOGER! It’s ’cause he’s still a STOOPID LITTLE SIX-YEAR OLD!!!”
“NO I WASN’T!” I cry, wiping the snot off onto the edge of the sink. “You guys are ASSHOLES!”
“What did you just say?” Susie Derkins steps forward, her eyes turning deadly serious. “Did you just call us B-holes?”
“Get over yourself.” I try to sound brave, but Susie’s nine; her strength dwarfs mine by orders of magnitude. “They say it on TV all the time.”
“Well this is real life, dookie-face.” Her hand shoots out, grabbing me around the throat. I claw at her fingers, trying to pry the off my neck, but to no avail.
Jesus Christ…she’s so…fucking…STRONG…
“Dickbags.” I draw a thin, reedy breath. “If I was your guys’s age, then I’d make you eat my sweaty buttlips, you ignorant bunch a’ whore-stained tampons.”
“NO SWEARING!” Susie squeezes harder. “YOU HAVE A DIRTY, DIRTY MOUTH, KENT!”
“Not..as dirty…as your mother’s,” I manage.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY???” She squeezes harder.
Oh shit—black walls…closing in…
Fuck it. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
At the same time I expand into my strapping, giant-dicked thirty-year old self, my tormentors’ moms burst into the bathroom. They’re all clad in some kind of fuck-me-til-I-werewolf-howl outfit—ranging from crotchless panties to leather catwoman getups to shiny red demon costumes.
The horned up moms surge past their kids like a rogue tidal wave and start making out with me, super gropey with an extra side of tongue. In between a storm of sloppy AF kisses, I manage to make eye contact with Susie, Connor, and their dickfaced thralls. Their wide eyes and slack jaws send a delicious tingle running through my nuts. These fuckstains are all gonna need a few years of therapy to erase this from their minds—probably decades, in some cases.
“Happy mental scarring, you vicious little chimps!” I blurt before one of the moms grabs my chin and thrusts her tongue down my throat. My enemies flee from the bathroom, bawling in loud, snot-stringed sobs. YES!
Mm-chika BOW WOW! MM-tsst MM-tsst MM-tsst MM-tsst!
(That’s how I sing porn music, in case you were wondering)
Are you a disgruntled adult trapped in a disgruntled kid’s body? Are a bunch of chimp-brained neander-fucks ganging up on you and making your life a living hell? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜