“Do a little dance…make a little love…get down tonight! Get down tonight!” I mouth the words to K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s disco classic as I gyrate onstage, directing a panty-dropping smile at the hordes of soccer, yoga, and tennis moms who are pelting me with crumpled up bills, imploring me to do the lariat trick, for the love of God—PLEASE do the lariat trick!
I point at my loudest fan and throw her a smirk and a wink. “You asked for it…you GOT it!” I yank my speedos down, tie off my ankle-length piece with a quick, practiced motion, then twirl it above my head like I’m about to rope a pissed-off bull around the neck. The ladies go wild as I run it up and down my body, then maneuver it so it’s vertically aligned a few feet to my rear. I back-flip through it a dozen times, eliciting a louder cheer each time I land. One of the moms goes crazy with excitement; she lifts a bottle of suntan lotion to her waist and squeezes hard with both hands, shaking it up and down like an uncorked champagne bottle. Waves of gooey white slime spurt out from the nozzle, coating me and the stage in a thick coat of viscous gunk.
“I LOVE YOU MAN WHORE!!!” she screams, then raises a wrist to her forehead and passes out like a horned up Scarlett O’Hara.
I blow her a kiss and continue with my routine. Goddamn—who knew that paying the bills through “alternative avenues” could be so freakin’ rewarding??? This is about as good as it—
I turn toward the noise, just in time to see a tiny dart arrow into my shoulder.
“What the fuck?” I yank out the dart and lock eyes with my assailant; he’s standing just outside the periphery of the crowd.
Holy shit—it’s Grammar Nazi Prime!
He cups his hands around his mouth and yells, “YOU’RE RUINING IT FOR ALL OF US, KENT! BE A WRITER OR A MAN WHORE! IT’S NOT FAIR THAT YOU GET TO DO BOTH!” Then he turns and runs out the door.
I stare at the dart, puzzled. What the fuck did he just inject me wi—
Terrified screams erupt from the moms—their lustful gazes give way to abject looks of horror and disgust. At the same time, I feel a slight tickling sensation on both shoulders. An instant later, it all makes sense.
One of them points and screams, “HE”S GOT HAIRY FUCKING SHOULDERS! HOLY FUCK IS THAT NASTY!!!”
Half the moms clutch their bellies and barf uncontrollably. The other half surge toward me, clutching whatever impromptu murder weapons—keys, beer bottles, mugs—happen to be within arm’s reach.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Hard-light armor begins forming across my body, its wire-frame plating crawling up from my feet and up toward my face in a series of tiny, glowing hexagons. As they wrap around to my shoulder blades, they section together into a holographic jetpack, its innards lit by a luminous blue blaze. Incandescent lines curve across my skull, ensconcing my head in a transparent battle-helmet. The last thing that forms is a flickering data-monocle that settles over my right eye, saturating my vision with a fast-moving stream of characters and symbols.
I rasp three words into my neural microphone: “Clean burn rocketry.”
And then, as the first moms clamber onstage and close the distance, I—
—blast through the ceiling, my teeth gritted in a nut-shriveling Vengeance Face.
I’m coming for you, Grammar Nazi Prime. No one ruins my svelte, toned body with a gross-ass pair of hairy shoulders. You hear me, motherfucker??? NO ONE!
Have you been sexually sabotaged by a jealous nerd, and now need to access a futuristic wonder weapon in order to avoid a gruesome death and also so you can pursue your enemy to the ends of the Earth? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜