“Kent Wayne! It is NOT acceptable to defecate into an upside down frisbee! Pull your pants up and go to the principal’s office!”
Ahhhh!! Fuck THAT!
I yank my shorts up and tear across the playground. Mr. Mathers chases after me, his bespectacled face red with rage. I just turned eleven man—what’s with all these goddamn rules??? When I wasn’t a teenager, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and people thought it was cute, but now it’s a completely different—
“WHOOF!” Mathers tries to tackle me, but I dive right and manage to avoid his arms. Scramble up a slide, kick-push off the corner, and—
HI-YO FREAKIN’ CUNTPUNTER!
—land heavily on Mathers’s upper back, drawing another “WHOOF” from his sputtering lips.
“Fuck your old man rules and your old man balls!” I yell as I run toward the soccer field. “Ain’t no ADULTING for Kent fucking Wayne—you serious, bro???”
I hear Mathers calling for backup. Suddenly, there’s like a dozen schoolmarms hot on my heels. I may be a young, strong-as-fuck boy full of cum-on-your-face hormones, but the weight disparity is too damn big—their institution-neutered bodies are nearly twice the size of mine. Only a matter of time before they tackle my ass and rot my brain with societal norms.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My limbs and torso erupt with muscles. In a matter of seconds, I’ve transformed into my hirsute, strapping, thirty-year old self. As I approach the twenty-foot chain-link, I yank my shorts down, plunge the tip of my stripper-pole-sized wiener into the ground, and—
—vault over the fence, throwing a double middle finger at my pursuers at the apex of my leap. As I land on the ground, my teachers slam up against the fence, bowing it outward and sending a metallic jingle ringing through the air. I turn around and keep running, a mile-wide grin plastered across my face.
“DAMN YOU, KENT WAYNE!” Mathers’s fist crashes against the fence. “DAAAAAAAMMMMMN YOOOOUUUUUuuuuu…”
Music to my ears, muh’fuh. Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA! 😀
Have you enjoyed a freewheeling childhood, but the forces of Adulting are now threatening you with their bullcrap restrictions? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜