“You know, I’m not just a handsome face and a pretty dick. I’ve got other skills too. You NEED someone like me.” I throw a rakish grin at St. Peter’s secretary—a prim, professional lady named Lara—and prop an elbow onto the edge of her desk.
“Don’t touch my desk.” Lara doesn’t meet my eyes; she’s busy scribbling notes into an imposing leather tome. “And just so you know, we don’t care about your penis, Kit—”
“—whatever.” She stops writing, interlaces her fingers, and looks up at me. “According to your record, your personal hygiene has been nothing short of abysmal. You failed the smell-check on multiple occasions—”
“Come ON!” I protest. “I still made them ‘gasm! That’s gotta be worth SOMETHING! I mean—”
“This is Heaven, Kent. The big leagues. Look—it’s not the end, okay? We turn a lot of people down. I could give Valhalla a call. They might still—”
“FUCK Valhalla!” I yell. “I want harp music! I want puppies and bunnies! I want—”
Lara turns slightly to the side and says, “Security,” in a short, curt tone. A pair of big-ass, square-jawed, He-Man looking fucks—they’re dressed in toga-like robes and have feathered wings protruding from their shoulder blades—appear behind her.
“Whoa.” I offer up my palms, backing slowly away. “I don’t want trouble. I’m just—”
“Fuck off.” Lara looks down and starts writing in her book. “Or you’re gonna get a sword right through your pee-hole, then an express ticket down to the Bad Place.”
The security angels cross their arms. The one on the right says, “Get on outta here wit’cho non-sanctified ass.”
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Mandala-chained fractals run clockwise up my body, picking up speed as dazzling motes of eldritch light materialize a few feet away from me and drift inward, coating my body in a glowing sheath of energy. An instant later I’m transported away, seated atop a flying tyrannosaur. Fifty feet below, an alien forest populated with multicolored trees stretches out before me. An Elven Soccer Mom walks into a clearing and throws me a smile and a wave.
“Hey Kent! HAAAaaay!”
Holy crap—the Enchanted Booty Forest! Keep your harps and toga-wear—Imma get busy with some slappy-slap-SLAP! HEH heh heh!
*Sword and Sorcery style porn music*
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜