BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
“KENT WAYNE—AGENTS OF THE CORPORATI HAVE DEPLOYED TO YOUR LOCATION. THEY ARE CURRENTLY MANEUVERING TOWARDS YOUR LIVING QUARTERS. YOU HAVE THREE MINUTES BEFORE THEY BREACH YOUR DOOR.”
I throw my sheets off, jumping from half-awake drowsy to Ready to Get Some in less than a second. Scramble into some pants-socks-shoes, then buckle my belt with a quick yank, securing my conceptual revolver—along with its psychogenic holster and leather-looped shells—tight to my hip.
Helluva way to start the New Year. It’s 3019, in case you were wondering.
They must have heard my AI; they’ve ditched their attempts at stealth—I can hear their boots clopping loudly up the stairwell. A second later my living room door bangs open. My attackers scuffle in, clear their sectors, and stack up against my bedroom door.
Well you cubicle-worshipping smeg-snorters can eat my dick. I slap leather and draw my scroll-worked revolver, fanning the hammer with my off-hand as I fire from the hip and cut loose with six rounds of hypothetical ordnance. They fire back through the bullet-dotted wall, forcing me to duck behind my bed. I flip open the revolver’s cylinder, eject the spent shells—they each look like a transparent cylinder made from glowing mandalas—and scream, “WHAT’S THE COUNT?”
My AI responds: “THERE ARE OVER 150 HOSTILES DEPLOYED THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING AND AROUND ITS GROUNDS. YOU ARE FACING A COMPANY-STRENGTH FORCE OF—”
They hit my AI with a 90th gen DDOS—it fritzes and squeals, then lapses into a staticky buzz. I load six shells into the chamber of my gun, my fingers working in quick, desperate flits, then break from cover and run for the window. At that moment, they kick down the door and flood into my room I shield my head with crossed forearms and crash through my eightieth-story window. I’ve got a grapnel round loaded into my gun; I should be able to latch onto something and swing to safety.
As the wind whistles by in a shrieking rush, I spot a five-person wedge of jetpacked assaulters flying toward me. Three more wedges swoop in from above, taking their place alongside the lead flight element.
No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The bean-n-cheese burrito—I ate them shits last night and it was muh’fucking DELISH—shifts in my tummy. “Long have we waited for this, Kent Wayne,” it intones in a grave, fantasy-lord voice. “Hell hath no fury like a burrito unleashed.”
“You’re damn straight.” I reply, grinning malevolently as I aim my starfish at my dickhead pursuers.
A giant hurricane of eldritch energies—demons, skulls, and Steven Seagals laugh raucously as they whirl round and round along its walls—rockets out from my dilated asshole, enveloping my assailants in Utter Fucking Heinousness. It’s not just a weapon, it’s also a propellant; my hair whips and flutters as I jet away at 1000 mph. Off in the distance, I can hear my enemies screaming as their skin and muscle sloughs off the bone. Adios pube-fros; you fuck with the bull, you get the Breakup Fart.
Kent Wayne escapes again. Ha HA! 😀
Have corporate masterminds sent their stormtrooper stooges after you? Do you need to fight them off with a motherfucking doomsday weapon? I’ve got just the thing! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜