SCATTERED ACROSS THE SURFACE OF KENT WAYNE’S NETHERS, THERE EXIST TWO FACTIONS OF WARRING LICE. LONG AGO, WHEN KENT WAS BUT A HORNY HIGH-SCHOOLER, A COLONY OF INSECTS SPLIT OFF FROM THEIR PARENT NATION—SHAFT CITY—AND TOOK UP RESIDENCE IN THE ASS FOREST, EKING OUT AN OUTLAW EXISTENCE AS BANDITS AND BRIGANDS. BROTHER TURNED AGAINST BROTHER, FATHER AGAINST MOTHER.
NOW, IN KENT WAYNE’S THIRTIES, THEY PREPARE TO GO TO WAR ONCE AGAIN…
“I want drones up front, soldiers behind,” King Lice Rikatik hissed as he strode through the throne room of Shaft City. “This is the last time those ass-dwelling bandits disrespect the royal family; we’re gonna pike their thoraxes and fuck their eye-holes.”
“Yes, milord,” Aide De Camp Clicko-clack walked briskly beside him, jotting notes onto a small piece of keratin.
“No mercy—you hear me?” Rikatik stopped walking and fixed a boner-withering stare onto his aide. “Those cunt-hairs have had their chance—we are gonna murder-fuck their mothers and SHIT IN THEIR GODDAMN SKUL—”
“Milord!” Scoutmaster Korqubit burst into the throne. “The bandits! They’re in the keep!”
“WHAT?” Rikatik swiveled toward Korqubit. “How the hell could—”
“We have traitors among us—there’s no other way they could have gotten past our guard towers! Milord, we need to get you to safety!”
Rikatik skittered over to one of the windows, placed his hands on the sill, and canvassed the courtyard below with a haunted gaze. “It’s too late,” he whispered. “They’ve breached the inner wall.” Rebel lice were pouring into the keep, slaughtering royal soldiers by the handful.
“Kent help us all,” Rikatik whispered.
FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF KENT WAYNE:
“KENT—EEWWW!!!” My latest soccer mom dalliance—Clarissa—stops making out with me and recoils in horror.
“Your crotch is…it’s…HHHRRLLP!” She covers her mouth with a hand and runs into the bathroom. Over the ventilation fan, I hear her yell, “DO SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE GODDAMN LICE!”
SHIT! I look down at my crotch and see a buttload of bugs crawling all around the base of my shaft and down my taint. Not enough time to scrub em out, so I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A tiny wave of blue incandescence ripples across my nethers. As it touches the insects, they seize up, let out an agonized cry, then vanish in a blip of light and a puff of smoke.
FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF RIKATIK, KING OF SHAFT CITY:
Three bandits had forced Rikatik to kneel. A giant soldier-lice slowly made its way toward him, clacking its razor-sharp forepaws together, its teeth spread wide in a menacing grin.
Suddenly, the rebel lice straightened up and pointed at the window, gibbering in fearful blurts.
“On the horizon. What the—”
“Some kind of blue tsunami. It’s made of glowing—”
“IT’S KILLING EVERYONE! HOLY FUCK WE NEED TO GET OUT OF—”
“GAME OVER, MAN! GAME FUCKING OVER!!!”
Rikatik, still on his knees, allowed himself a small, satisfied smile. He would cede neither territory nor title to these evil pieces of insectile shit. All thanks to that beautiful wave of azure—
Do you need to purge your genitals of an insectile version of Game of Thrones? Never fear!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜