“Kent Wayne—take a seat on the stool and don the Sorting Hat.”
I lower myself onto the stool and face the audience. Hundreds of eyes stare back into mine; every first-year student has gathered in the Great Hall so they can take part in the Sorting Ceremony. This next part will determine the next seven years of my freakin’ LIFE. I try to keep my fingers from shaking as I grasp the hat.
As the battered hat lowers onto my melon, I suck a nervous breath in through my teeth. Fuck—please don’t stick me in Slytherin, with that cheese-dick Malfoy. But what are the alternatives? Nerdy-ass Ravenclaws? Chest-thumping Gryffindors? Flashes of doubt race through my mind; maybe I’m not even supposed to be here in the first pl—
“Hmm…” the hat ventures. “Kind of a prick…kind of a wiseass…kind of average in all things really…not quite sure…hmm…”
There’s a long, uncomfortable silence.
“Maybe I can help,” I venture.
The hat replies with a skeptical chuckle. “Help? How?”
“I have access to world-changing magics. Maybe they can clarify what I’m meant to—”
“World-changing magics? YOU? Ha! Don’t make me l—”
And then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“—augh! You’re a kid! A simpleton! A know-nothing, deluded little—”
The eReader’s eldritch energies—ethereal streams of glowing blue light—reach up from its screen, curl down, and funnel directly into the tip of the hat. The hat’s voice instantly changes from Oliver Twist’s “Please sir, may I have some more gruel,” Queen’s English into full-blown Ghettolicious:
“Motha FUCKA! KENT’S PACKIN’ ENOUGH HEAT BETWEEN HIS GODDAMN LEGS TO START A MOTHAFUCKIN’ FOREST FIRE!” The hat clears its throat several times—a-heh-HEM—and reverts back to tea-and-biscuits speak: “It has been made clear to me that there is only one avenue that this boy is suited for.”
A knowing smile widens my lips. I knew it—I fucking KNEW it!
“Kent Wayne, from here on out, shall pursue the path of the Man Whore.”
AND THUS, A LEGEND WAS BORN…
Are you shitting bricks at the idea of finding out which tribe of wand-waving nerds you’ll have to hang out with for the next seven years of your FREAKIN’ LIFE? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜