“Well,” the doctor takes the stethoscope off my chest and pushes his glasses up his nose, “I’ve ruled out every other cause for your crippling back pain…leading me to a single, inarguable conclusion.”
“What’s the verdict, doc?” I ask, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. Dozens of possibilities flash through my mind: lyme disease, ebola, flesh-eating virus, oh shit…what about that time the Grays took me up in their ship and shoved a giant, tentacled robot up my—
“You jerk off way too much.”
“Wait—WHAT?” My brow wrinkles. “Nah bruh—I only wax my wood a few hours each day. It’s not like I’m—”
“Kent.” He grasps my hands in his and leans forward, forcing me to stare into his eyes. “You spend twelve hours a day sitting in front of your computer, hunched over like a sex-obsessed Gollum. The stress on your spine is cumulative; your x-rays could easily be mistaken for an octogenarian’s. One who’s just gotten Bane-smashed by the Incredible Hulk.”
“One jerk per day.” The doctor straightens up and starts scribbling notes on a medical clipboard. “You’re going to need crutches. An ergonomoic wheelchair would be best, actually.”
“No buts, Kent—you’ve been flogging your hog like it was the cure to cancer.” He lets his clipboard fall to his waist, leans against the wall, and gives me an exasperated look. “Don’t you want to live a regular life? Get promoted at work? Take up a hobby, maybe? Kent—you’re expelling gallons of semen every day. And I know from our in-home check-ups that you’re not mopping any of it up. Not only is that unhygienic, the dehydration is crippling your organs. You need to—”
“NO!” I shout. Tears leak down my cheeks. “You don’t understand—I HAVE to jerk it! I fucking HAVE to!”
No options left—I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Time freezes. The doctor pauses with his mouth open, about to spew some more of his jerk-phobic bullshit. Martha Stewart slowly materializes in front of me. She throws me a playful grin, and raises a giant wand made of biscottis and Insider Trading.
“You require healing, Kent.”
“Yes, Martha—yes! I would do ANYTHING to be healed!” I fall off the examination table and kneel before her, clutching my hands together and ugly-crying hard enough to embarrass Will Ferrell.
She flicks the wand at the tip of my wiener, causing a glimmer of light to travel up my cock and throughout my body, bringing my bones into bright relief through my skin and clothing. An instant later, the light fades.
“There you go.” Her grin widens. “But now you owe me. And I’m not just talking about POV jerk-off videos, which I expect on a thrice-weekly basis. You owe me BIG time.”
I give her a puzzled look. “Wait…what are you…”
“OOHOOHAHAHAHA!!!” She twirls in place, dematerializing into a flutter of bats.
The immensity of my decision begins to sink in. I cup my head in my hands and let loose with a long series of blubbery sobs.
What have I done? Dear God—WHAT HAVE I DONE???
*Theme from Requiem for a Dream*
Have you flogged or flicked too damn much, and now have to make a bargain with Evil Incarnate in order to heal your battered body? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜