“Ho ho ho! What would you like for Christmas, little boy?”
“I wanna rocket ship, I wanna lightsaber, I wanna dragon, I wanna—”
“How about a can of paste?” I shove a tub of Elmer’s into the kid’s hand and push him off my lap. “When I was your age, I ate this shit by the gallon. Tell your mom I think she’s hot. Also—tell her I’m down to eat her butthole.”
He runs off crying. I can’t help it—I crack a smile. Gotta find some way to mitigate the drudge of being a shopping mall Santa.
WHOOF! I feel over a hundred pounds of human drop into my lap. What the hell are they feeding kids nowada—
Then I realize this is no kid; a hot-as-balls soccer mom is sitting on my lap, running a seductive finger through my fake beard.
“I’m ready for my present, Santa Cock.”
“Uh, it’s Santa Claus.” I chuckle nervously. “But that works too. Lemme just tell my shift supervisor to—HOACHI MAMA!” She cuts me off by reaching below my merry AF belt buckle and grabbing a giant fistful of Santa Schnitzel. Okay oh jeez get your head straight Kent this is—
I nod enthusiastically, about to tell her that THIS Santa is down to clown, when suddenly, the windows above us burst inward in a scatter of glass. Santa Claus—the REAL Santa Claus—comes charging in on his flying sleigh, manned by his elite team of Special Response Elves, all holding a miniaturized rifle along with cool-guy tactical shooting glasses.
“HO HO FREAKIN HO!” he screams. “YOUR SANTA LICENSE IS REVOKED, KENT WAYNE! YOU’RE THE SHITTIEST SAINT NICK TO EVER DON THE BEARD AND HAT!”
“Oh FUCK!” I sling the soccer mom over my shoulder—she squeals in delight and I reward her with a quick pat on the right buttock—and start hauling ass. Automatic fire erupts from the sleigh; cheap linoleum and chintzy plastic tables blow into clouds of fragments on either side of me.
“BETTER HURRY UP, MAN WHORE!” the soccer mom shouts from my shoulder. “I’M HORNY, GODDAMMIT!”
“WORKING ON IT!” I reply, hurdling over a food cart filled with pretzel bites. Mid-leap, I grab one and slice it through a tub of melted cheese, then I—GALUMPH!—maow them shits down. McYUMS!
I can’t keep running. I’m pretty fit, but Santa’s on a magic goddamn sleigh and I’m carrying a live soccer mom. So I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“DEFEND THE MAN WHORE!”
The war cry rings through the mall as a bunch of REAL Elves—I’m talking a bunch of badass, armored as fuck, Lord of The Rings-style sword-wielding mofos—flood into the mall from every window, door, and vent. Santa and his retinue go apeshit crazy, screaming for backup and calling for final protective fire. It’s no use; 5.56 and 7.62 can’t fuck with arrows that turn from wood and metal into fire and lightning, Tenser’s Dancing Sword, or a twentieth-level magic missile. Christmas Elves fall from the sleigh, gasping their last as eldritch energies burn giant holes in their chest, their eyes, or their assholes.
I pick up the pace, sprinting out the mall’s double-door entrance, my eyes glinting in delight as I slap the soccer mom’s butt again. Hot diggity! Ain’t no stoppin’ me when I’m Santa Claus—or should I say Santa COCK!
Kent Wayne escapes again—ha HA!
Have True Santa’s Gestapo forces come to punish you for being a shitty representative of Yuletide cheer? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜