“That’s enough, Kent.”
“Sure thing, Leona Lewis. And please—if you like my service, don’t forget to tip. We Man Whores—OW!” My head bangs against the bottom of Leona’s desk and I instinctively duck back down, rubbing my scalp and wincing in pain.
Leona laughs as I scoot my way out from under her workspace. “You’re adorable. Especially after you’ve just given me the best damn box-eating this side of the Atlantic.”
I rise to my feet and throw her a wink. “Wanna know the secret? It’s all in the butt-tickle.”
She throws a wad of cash at me, her face wrinkling in mock disgust. I catch it against my chest. “Get out of here, you naughty he-slut. Get yourself a steak; it’s well-deserved.”
“Steak’s good, but pizza’s my thing.”
“Well get yourself a pie, then.”
“Just had one—a hair-pie, perfectly groomed.”
Leona giggles. “I’d pay for more, but my schedule’s chock full. Now get out of here before you derail my career.”
As I walk out of her office, I hum the Star Wars Attack Theme (it’s my post-coitus ritual—LOVE the Star Wars Attack Theme!). Get in the elevator, punch the L button, and walk into the lobby. A horde of pale-wienered, skinny-limbed dorks are waiting for me in the marble-floored foyer.
“The fuck is this?” I back toward the elevator. Four of them sidle behind me and shove me forward, keeping me from running away.
One of them takes a step forward, smacking his fist against an open palm. “You’re taking all the ’tang, Kent. How the fuck are we Beta Males supposed to compete with your unrelenting creativity and your thick, upcurved penis?” Two of them hook their arms through mine, forcing me to bend forward at the waist.
“How about you eat some more steak, pussies? Throw in some squats and hill sprints? Ever thought about that?”
The Beta Male spokesperson slashes the air with a rigid hand. “Unacceptable! We Beta Males have devised a long, intricate approach; we sucker unwitting females into sexual intercourse by playing up our insecurities and employing upspeak! Your well thought-out narratives and gargantuan phallus has tanked our success rate!”
“Christ,” I hiss. “Just be open about what you’re packing between your legs, as well as the desire to use it. Throw in a few workouts, some witticisms…what’s so hard about that?”
The guy turns beet effin’ red. “DON’T YOU GET IT??? NONE OF US WANT TO BE MANLY—WE’D RATHER GET BY ON TREACHERY AND LUCK!!!”
“Well it ain’t yer fuckin’ day,” I rasp. “ ’Cos I’ve got a goddamn ace up my sleeve…or eReader, I should say.”
Then I rip an arm free, reach into my pocket, and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A dozen humvees break through the wall, flooding the air with drywall confetti. A platoon of Crossfit Moms (you seen these ladies??? They are hard fucking CORE!) burst from the vehicles and begin ripping through the Beta Males. Chaos erupts—bitch-squeals fill the lobby as the Crossfit Co-mom-dos toss these skinny-dicked dorks back and forth as if they weighed as much as a 20 lb. medicine ball.
One of them screams, “Backbreaker WOD! How many spines can you snap in twenty minutes??? GO!”
The moms start lifting Beta Males overhead, bringing them savagely down onto a raised knee, just like Bane did to Bats in the third Nolan movie. Cr-CRACK! Snuh-SNAP! For the next few minutes, the lobby is filled with desperate protests, pained howls, and sickening pops from exploding vertebrae.
Twenty minutes later, the moms are standing amidst a pile of crippled Beta Males, all of whom are crying for their mommas, some of whom are crying for a mocchafrappalattecino-whatever-the-fuck. The moms put their hands on their hips and survey their prey, nodding in apparent satisfaction.
One of them locks eyes with me. “You. Man Whore. Service our front and back ends.”
I gulp nervously. “My going rates are—”
She waves a dismissive hand and turns to her companions. “Load him up. I plan on draining every ounce of semen from his he-slut body .”
(You’ll have to imagine the rest.)
Have dork-ass beta cuntpunters decided to act on their jealousy and fuck you up? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜