“Timeline’s tight,” Corporal Grabowski hisses. “If we don’t knock out those turrets, the main force won’t be able to make their insert.”
Sergeant Rockjaw grips his rifle and grits his teeth. “Then we need to take them out post fucking haste.”
Madness ensues—pkew pkew pkew! Choo choo kablooey! I splash my hands loudly on the water in the tub, letting loose with a Kent Wayne war cry:
Water goes everywhere, along with a handful of green army men, some rubber toy insects, and my favorite ducky. WHOO! Fucking LOVE bath-play time!
Then I hear the door creaking open downstairs. Da fuq? Thought I’d locked that biznatch.
I jump outta the tub, sling a towel around my waist, and run to my bedroom, where I reach under the pillow and grab my pistol. Mag check, pull the slide back to make sure there’s a round in the pipe, then decock the action (mine’s a sig so it doesn’t have a safety).
As I shuffle downstairs, holding the pistol up and close to my face, I swear softly. Should’ve put on my penis harness; goddamn thing’s swinging back and forth between my ankles. I move too fast and it’ll slap against something and give me away.
Pie around the corner, and whaddaya know: there’s a trio of kitted-up commandos slinking forward. I squeeze off a round before they call my position and start blasting away. I whirl into the kitchen, flinching sideways as their rounds tear apart drywall.
“Who the FUCK are you?” I scream.
“Adulting Academy sent us. You’re a full-grown man in your mid-thirties; rubber ducky playtime is expressly forbidden.” I hear mags being changed, bolts slamming forward.
“No one fucks with rubber ducky playtime,” I shout. “You hear me??? NOBODY!”
A grenade comes arcing into the kitchen. SHIT!
But then I see it: my fabled eReader, lying on the counter. As the explosive goes off, I reach over to my eReader and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My blanket-like scrotum flaps open, shielding my face from fire and fragments. Boots thud against the deck as they aggress into the kitchen, but it ain’t happening; my wiener’s just turned into a sizzling, x-rated lightsaber. Its radiant, multi-hued head carves through the first commando’s neck, leaving behind an ember-crisped stump. The other two root their weight and open fire, but my piece flicks from side to side, intercepting and melting the rounds before they can touch me. It’s Neo vs. Agent Smith, bitches, only instead of reality-warping telekinesis, I’m using a nova-charged meatsaber. Welcome to You’re Good and Utterly Buttfucked, ya dickless bunch a’ jagoffs! HEH heh heh!
It doesn’t take long for me to carve their limbs off and cockstab em right through their motherfucking foreheads. As I stand over their smoking, desecrated bodies, I throw my arms back and let out a triumphant roar.
Kent Wayne will NEVER bow down to Adulting! You hear me??? NEVER! RUAAAAHHHH!!!
Has Adulting Academy deployed its despicable enforcers to teach you a lesson? Do you now need to show them who’s boss? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜