UNLIKE OTHER HUMANS, KENT WAYNE DOES NOT POSSESS A PREFRONTAL CORTEX. INSTEAD, A TINY RODENT RUNS ON A METAL WHEEL, POWERING KENT’S BODY THROUGH ITS FRENETIC LITTLE LEGS, AND COMMUNICATES WITH THE REST OF KENT’S BODY THROUGH A NEURO-HAPTIC RIG. MOST OF THE TIME, IT MANAGES TO KEEP THE ENTITY KNOWN AS “KENT WAYNE” WITHIN ACCEPTABLE SOCIAL NORMS, BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN, THINGS GET BUCK FUCKING NUTS. IF NOT FOR THIS FURRY-LITTLE SAVIOR, KENT WOULD BECOME A SLAVERING APE-MAN, SHOCKING AND TITILLATING SOCCER MOMS AS HE RAN THROUGH THE STREETS DRESSED IN NOTHING BUT AN ADULT DIAPER. THIS FOUR-LEGGED HERO HAS SAVED OUR SANITY MORE TIMES THAN WE CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE. HIS NAME IS…
“This is True Hamster!” I yell into a rusty, hippocampus-side intercom. “All body parts—Kent Wayne is under attack! His enemies have lured him into a hypnagogic stupor through a combination of clips from fiftyplusmilfs and Batman: The Animated Series! He’s—”
Then my neuromemetic control panel shorts out. Smoke and sparks jump from its edges, and the screen goes dark. A second later, it blinks back on. Kent’s enemies—Grammar Nazi Prime, Beta Male Leader, Emo-poet and a slew of others—are arrayed around him, grinning maliciously into his eyes.
Grammar Nazi Prime reaches forward and knocks twice on Kent’s forehead.
“Hello? YOOO-hooo…anyone in there? Oh man, we are gonna have us some FUN!”
This is fucked. Conventional measures just ain’t gonna cut it.
So I open my eReader to echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Up on the monitor, I see the lights cut out. Cries of “WHAT THE FUCK!” and “HE’S JUST ONE MAN!” (I know—totally unwarranted, but any time you can throw it in, DO IT) ring through the air.
When the lights click back on, I see a terrifying figure brooding in the background. As Kent’s enemies pat each other’s backs and grab each other’s dicks in congratulatory relief, they look around, lock eyes with the stranger in their midst…and freeze.
It’s Chuck Fucking Norris. He’s suited up in a full ensemble of denim-coated Space Marine Armor.
He looks like a fucking god.
FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF KENT WAYNE:
“FUCK YER COMMUNIST DICKSLITS!” Chuck screams, roundhouse-kicking Grammar Nazi Prime’s bespectacled head completely off his neck and sending it ricocheting off the others’ melons like a meth’d up billiard ball.
Beta Male Leader makes a clumsy grab for a shoulder-holstered pistol but Chuck’s too fast; he whips his leg up in an axe-kick and bisects BML into two gruesome halves—they plop wetly away from each other in opposite directions.
Chuck whirls around, kicks the back of Emo-poet’s knees, forcing him to kneel, and starts jerking off into his face. Chuck’s bearded wiener—I shit you not—ejects a red-and-white apple pie directly into Emo-poet’s gasping face.
Chuck shoves the pie into his suck-hole and screams, “CHOKE ON ’MERCA, YA HIPPIE BITCH!”
After Emo-poet dies a sputtering, undignified death, Chuck places his hands on his hips—wiener still out—and looks me in the eye.
I cover my eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “No Chuck—I do NOT want to strip naked and lift weights in front of a mirror.”
He shrugs. “Suit yerself.”
Shaking my head—shaking my FUCKING head.
Has your neurobiology been hijacked by a trio of your dastardly AF enemies? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜