“KENT WAYNE! LOOK ALIVE, DAMN YOU!” Commander Haldir gallops by and clangs the flat of his sword against my helmet. FUCK!
I snort myself awake, swearing vehemently under my breath. Goddamn Haldir—always insisting we polish our armor or put more conditioner in our long, flowing locks. Fucking HATE being an Elven foot-soldier—HATE it!
But seeing as this is the Battle of Helm’s Deep, I guess my hate ain’t bad—I know just where to direct it. Piece-o-shit Uruk Hai are arrayed in front of us banging their shields, yelling about how they’ll bisect us at the anus, eat our livers, blah blah fucking blah…
I whip out my giant, rosy-smelling piece and thrust my hips forward, chopping both hands toward my wiener in a “SUCK IT” gesture.
“WHADDAYA THINK A’ THIS, YOU ROIDED OUT DIPSHITS??? COME GET YOU SOME, YOU GODDAMN—”
Haldir wheels on his mount, eyes widening. “Kent—NO! Orcs are insanely jealous of our syphilis-resistant penises! You’re screwing up the order of battle! Buckle your crotch-piece, right the fuck n—”
But it’s too late—the Orcs charge us with a bone-shaking roar. “RUAAAAAHHHH!!!”
I slap my crotch-piece back into place—can’t endanger my most precious weapon, HEH heh heh!—and draw my sword, flourishing it high above my head. OH yeah!
TWO HOURS LATER:
Fuck. FUCK! Everyone’s dead!
Some of us have managed to clump together in groups of two or three, but mostly, its every Elf for himself. Goddamn Orcish penis envy—how could I have known???
One particularly ugly fucker comes leaping over a pile of my comrades, swinging his serrated claymore at the side of my head. I intercept it with a rightward block of my curved short sword, then punch my rune-coated fighting knife into the unarmored gap beneath his chest plate. He stumbles back, sputtering and coughing, and I wheel around in a multi-attack whirl, inflicting dozens of cuts across his face, torso, and limbs. Then I kick him in the chest and he falls to the ground, gurgling his last.
There’s thousands more. Game over, man—GAME FUCKING OVER! So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The clouds part, and a bolt of mandala-threaded lightning blasts down from above. Cries of surprise erupt from the battlefield as Orcs and Elves cover their eyes with their armored forearms. When the light dies down, I slowly lower my arm; the cloud-dotted night is speckled with the fantastic prints of still-fading energies.
In the middle of the field stands a single glowing figure:
Soccer Mom Prime.
My jaw drops open as she goes apeshit HAM on the rest of the Orcs, ripping off genitals and blattering Uruk-hai across their faces with their own scrotums. The whole time she’s mowing them down, her energized skin crackles and spits with fat sparks of electric fire.
Once the last Orc is dead, her incandescent aura dims to a low, thrumming radiance. She locks eyes with me, and her ethereal hair drifts back in glowing strands, limned by sparkling motes of twinkling light.
“You. Man Whore.”
“Technically, it’s Elf Whore,” I squeak.
“Your penis. Let me see it.”
(You’ll have to imagine the rest. I have to maintain SOME kind of standard for these ads.)
Are you a disgruntled foot-soldier in Lothlorien’s army? Do you need a goddamn break so you can get your nether parts wet? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜