“Coffee. Black. No whale sperm, lynx poop, or unicorn jizz.” I slap a five on the counter.
The barista eyes the bill. “Typically, our coffee goes for at least $20 a cup. we add in a custom blend of spices, herbs, crocodile milk, and a handcrafted whipped cream heart onto the—”
“Would you at least—”
The barista’s lips tighten into a thin, pale line. I pay up, he hands me some change, and I wait off to the side as he pours me a cuppa joe. A few minutes later, he calls my name and I rub my hands eagerly together, sidling up so I can grab my cup of—
Da FUQ? The “coffee” in my mug is a light brown, with a fist-sized heart poured into the center.
“I’ll take THAT, thank you very much!” A hand slips into my back pocket and swipes out my wallet.
“HEY!” I yell, turning around and reaching for Barista #2. “GIMME MY—”
He leans back and ruffles through my wallet with expert skill, snatching out the credit cards, cash, and IDs. “Twenty, forty, fifty-five…not quite enough to pay for your purchase, but we’ll cover the difference with advances on your credit cards. Might be able to get a few bucks by selling your identity as well, depending on your FICO score.”
“You FUCKS!” I wind up for a punch, but Barista #1—the guy behind the counter—hooks his arms into my elbows, pulling them both behind my back.
“Hail Satan.” Barista #2 shoots me a toothy grin. “The patron saint of all Coffee Snobs.”
Coffee Snobs! I should’ve known!
Only one option left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Shirtless Hemingway crashes through the window, rolling across the floor in a glorious puddle of chest hair and skin rolls. “HAVE SOME MANLINESS!” he yells, sloshing an open bottle of whiskey into Barista #1’s stunned face.
Barista #1 stumbles back, sputtering and swearing. Hemingway ducks into a quick pivot, smashing his bottle against Barista #2’s temple, drenching him in an old-school splash o’ grab-holda-yer-sack-and-man-the-fuck-up. Barista #2 instantly goes up in flames; he clutches the air and drops to his knees, screaming in agony.
Hemingway unzips his fly, about to piss on him to put out the fire…then he zips back up.
“Nah.” He takes a swig o’ Man Juice and offers some to me. “Fuck that guy. Want some?”
“Sure thing.” I take a sip and hand it back. Good stuff!
And that’s how Kent Wayne and Hemingway teamed up, and laid waste to Coffee Snobs all across the planet. Huzzah! 😀
Have you been accosted by a bunch of stick-up-the-butt Coffee Snobs who’re trying to bilk you of all your money for a single cup of their shitty, unpronounceable coffee? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜