Once upon a time, a slow-minded boy named Kent Wayne was born in the distant kingdom of Glyphasia Kirell. His days were spent riding three-headed unicorns, playing with lizard-centaur hybrids, and picking his nose. (And though he was tempted, he never ate a booger. But he did use them to create amazing art on the surfaces of doors and walls).
One day, when he was running through a field, arms outstretched, making airplane noises with his mouthe, he encountered a strange, decrepit man. This man wore a skeevy cloak, hiding his features in a foreboding well of shadow. To Kent, he looked a lot like Emperor Palpatine.
“Who the shit are you?” Little Kent asked.
The decrepit stranger gave him a sickly grin. “Mayhap you’d like a piece of candy?” He dug in his pocket and produced a cherry-flavored sucker.
“Fuck off, pedo,” Little Kent dug in his nose, examined the booger, and sent it rocketing away with a practiced flick.
The man’s teeth bared into a snarl. “I’m not a—”
Kent spread his arms and began circling through the meadow. In his mind, he was back in his imaginary airplane. “Br-br-br-BRRRMMM!!!”
The stranger reached back to his ear, clicking on a two-way communication device. “He just refused the ask. Cut the sim.”
Da fuq? I’m lying on my back, staring up at a harsh bank of blazing neons. Scientists are scurrying to and fro, yelling weird stuff to each other—something about restoring mind-simalucra interface. I sit up, pulling a tangle of wires off my body. They’re attached to my arms, back and legs.
Grammar Nazi Prime runs into the lab, snarling and spitting. He tries to shove me back onto the tech-threaded dream-cradle. I kick him squarely in his chest and send him stumbling backward.
“FUCK OFF!” I scream.
But there’s a big difference between an acorn-dicked Grammar Nazi and a fully kitted-up response team. As modern-day stormtroopers come streaming into the room, weapons at the ready, I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My bellyful of spicy sausages rumbles, lurches, and my perception of the world goes slow-mo. A gut-twisting bubble of toxic gas rolls through my intestines, eliciting a pained wince as my organs compress, shift, and burble. My muscular buttocks part to full extension, opening wide as the gas pushes through…
My buttcheeks clap together, expelling a Breakup Fart with apocalyptic force. As I jet upward through the laboratory high-rise, breaking through floor after floor after floor, the windows burst outward in a spectacular crash of glass-fragment clouds. I blast through the roof, hang in the air…and a mechanized jetpack begins phasing onto my back, clicking and snapping as its haptic tendrils slide across my spine and link with my brain through quantum entanglement tech.
“Boosters,” I rasp.
B’KOOM! I rocket off into the star-spotted night, a pair of glowing exhaust trails twining behind me. Think you can lure me into being a dickhead Grammar Nazi with your Twilight-esque, pedo-as-fuck BULLshit? Think again, mofos!
Kent Wayne escapes again—ha HA! 😀
Have your mortal enemies trapped you in an ill-constructed fantasy realm? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜