OOH—what’s this??? Chain o’ spicy sausage links? Galumph galumph galumph! And what about THIS?? Kimchi stir-fry! MaGUMPH! And how ‘bout THAT? Cheesy eggs drowned in ghost pepper hot sauce! NOMMERSMOMPH!
I’m at the local high school football field, where the PTA has set up a hot food buffet. I’m mowing through a giant selection of muhglompskies mcnummy tummies (I like referring to food in childish terms that evoke the mental image of a pot-bellied Ogre) which deliver heaven to my tongue, while promising tortured-howl-agony to my unwitting colon. Carne asada burritos, jalapeno pizzas, and loaded baked potatoes push my cheeks out to a chipmunk-esque bulge. My eyes widen into a blank, fish-like stare as I work my jaws, interspersing my chewing with pornographic moans. MM! Mmwuh! Mraof!
Then my asshole jerks and lurches. A shudder of fear races from the base of my skull to the soles of my feet. My mind flashes to that scene in Jurassic Park where the poor human fools are stuck in their jeep, watching the ground shake as a Tyrannosaurus Rex closes in on their laughable excuse for “protection.”
Another butt-shudder. This time, it feels like an army of berserkers are trying to bust free from my overstrained turd-cutter. I grab my belly and clench my teeth, praying to Odin, Batman, and my favorite Brazzers pornstars. Sweat springs out across my entire body, accompanied by a gut-wrenching series of electric chills. My vision hazes over and I lose track of time—for a horrifying instant I’m trapped in a life-and-death struggle with the contents of my belly, pouring every ounce of my will into my overworked sphincter.
YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS!!!!
But it’s no use—I can’t hold it! Gotta…make it…to the…porta potty! I crawl across the turf, squeaking out an ear-grating bitch-squeal every time a gastronomical spasm grips my body. People try and help me but I wave them away.
“LEAVE ME! SAVE YOURSELVES!”
The porta-potty’s fifty yards away—might as well be a goddamn light year. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Kim Kardashian appears ten yards ahead of me, lying facedown in the middle of the field.
“Use my ass as a trampoline, Kent! Propel yourself to salvation!”
I stagger to my feet and lurch forward, moaning like a zombie: “UUHHHH!!! BUUUHHH!!!! RRUUUUUHHH!!!” When I get to Kim K, I hop onto her bubbly buttocks—Boi-oi-oi-oi-OIING!—and fly through the air, bicycling my arms and legs to lengthen my leap and grab as much distance as humanly possible. A freak gust of wind blows the porta-potty door open. As I arrow toward it I turn around, yank my shorts down, and—
—my eyes roll back in my head, my mouth yaws open, and my right leg straightens out, jigging and twitching.
(Shh…let’s honor this incredible feat with a moment of silence.)
Have you gone HAM on a spicy food buffet? Are you now about to unleash the apocalypse through your reddened, quivering buttlips? Not a problem! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜