“ATTACK SPERM!” Steven Seagal yells, waking me from my nap with a blast of fake martial arts jizz.
“AAH! WHAT THE FUCK!” I grab a pillow and pummel the serpentine creatures that are now snaking their way up my right leg. They rear back, snarling and hissing with each strike. After a frenetic shake of my foot, I manage to buck them off and roll to my feet.
As they splat against the wall with a pissed-off yowl, I see Steven Seagal running out of my studio, twiddling his fingers and giggling like a disgustingly fat, super molesty cat that just got the cream.
“HEE HEE HEE HEE! OHOHOHO HAHAHAHA!!!”
“FUCK YOU, CUNTPUNTER!” I shake my fist at him as he slips out the door.
An attack sperm snaps at my hand, causing me to flinch back onto my hands and butt. SHIT!
I run over to my closet and rip the shottie off the side of my bug-out bag. I manage to rack a round and blast a cloud of buckshot into Steven’s evil nut-spawn. As they shake their heads in stunned fury, I dart around them and out my door, racking another round and fleeing from my apartment.
Jump into my jeep and slam the door. Shift into reverse, peel out the driveway, and—
I duck sideways in my seat as an attack sperm breaks my driver-side window into a thousand pieces, filling the interior with shards of glass. I one-hand the shotgun with my right hand, blast it in the face, stomping down on the accelerator at the same time. I’m still in reverse—I shoot a hundred yards back before I screech to a stop, jack the car into drive, and put pedal to metal. VRRRMMMMM!!!!!
Oh shit oh fuck what the Dark Knight is HAPPENING??? Who knew that Steven Seagal could mind-fuck you through other avenues aside from his fake aikido horseshit! I peer furtively into the center rearview, watching his sperm pursuing me using a series of frighteningly athletic leaps and twists, cracking pavement each time they push off the road.
Oh what the shit—they’re FUCKING GAINING ON ME!!!
One of them latches onto my rear bumper and starts smacking against the rear window with its toothy head. The glass cracks; it’s marred by a network of chaotic veins. I spin around in my seat, left hand still on the wheel, and level my shottie at it.
“Go back to the ballsack,” I hiss, stealing a line from Gandalf vs. Balrog.
Then I pull the trigger, blasting it in its dirty fucking mouth and sending it twirling and spinning back down the highway. It’s not enough; there’s a dozen other sperm leaping over or around its tumbling body.
Shottie’s half-empty, jeep’s too slow…only one option left.
I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
And lo! MY attack sperm come shooting out the tip of my dick! They’re all suited up in different outfits; some of them got the Mecha Batman thing going, others form into a jizz-borne Voltron, some are dressed like ninjas or pirates…my badass sperm make short work of Steven’s, laying them low with turbolaser fire, proton torpedoes, and oh yeah—
Swords. SWORDS, MOFOS!
I relax in my seat, my lips spreading wide in a giant grin. That’s right ladies—Kent Wayne’s dick cream is staffed by an army of ninjas, robo-fighters, and wielders of the Secret Fire. Ha HA!
Has a crazy as hell, fake martial arts star assaulted you with his disgusting sack-goo? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜