“HIPPOCOCKAMUS!” I yell, holding my gigantic wiener at the base and waving it back and forth. I run through a fleet of balloons I’ve let loose in my house, slapping them with my glans while making enthusiastic lightsaber noises.
God I LOVE being well-endowed!
My neighbor starts playing super loud music. I raise my hips, thumping my dong against the ceiling.
“Sorry, bro!” He turns the music down.
“No worries!” I yell. I relax my PC muscles, letting my wiener sink to hip level, then I give em a quick flex, sending my shaft shooting out the window, right below the clothesline I’ve set up in my front yard. Another flex, and I lift my sun-dried clothes off the line and bring em inside. Fwip fwip fwip! A series of mini-flexes send pants and shirts jumping off my cock and onto a row of empty hangers dangling from my closet’s horizontal clothing rod. Fuck the humble brag—I’m like an x-rated Hawkeye, HEH heh heh!
A whip of my hips and my junk lashes backward, twirling around my left thigh in a series of neat, meaty coils. I tie it off into a pretty bow knot and walk into the kitchen. Time for some uggs and bacos!
As the whites sizzle and the yolks solidify, Herman Snerdbert—the god of all accountants—walks into the kitchen. I freeze in place, spatula in hand.
“What. The fuck.”
He strolls forward, inspecting his nails with a bemused grin. He looks like a douchey Bond villain.
“You’ve insulted my kind for far too long, Kent. Do you realize how abhorrent you are to the rest of us embittered, conformist nerds? We’ll have no more of this ‘creativity,’ and ‘big-wiener pride.’ ”
“You need to get the fuck outta my house,” I hiss, “before I mushroom stamp your tiny-dicked ass to hell and back.”
Another chuckle. “I’ve been studying mentalism. You know—Derren Brown? And the interesting thing is, Kent, is you were NEVER well-endowed. You do realize that, don’t you?” He lifts his head and locks eyes with me. His next words emerge as a visual distortion—each one warps the air into a heat-shimmer twist:
“What?” I laugh. “What are you TALKING about, dude? That’s impossible…that’s…that’s…”
A sudden coil of dread shoots up my spine. I look down at my wiener. Instead of being wrapped around my thigh in an enormous, veiny coil, it now looks like a baby acorn. It couldn’t even pass as a Monopoly playing piece.
“What…what…” my mouth drops open. After a long, hanging moment, I whisper, “No.” Then I look up at him, my eyes wide with dawning horror. “NO!”
“Yes.” His bloodless lips widen in a malicious smile. “Now you’re one of us, Kent.”
A wordless howl bursts from my mouth. I stumble through my house, flailing wildly. Tchotchkes and utensils go flying everywhere. I sweep my writing desk with my left arm, sending my computer and stationary clattering to the ground.
I fall to my knees and I start to hyperventilate. All the while, Snerdbert’s nasal laughter echoes dimly in the background.
“HEH heh heh! HA ha ha! Ohohoho—AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Then I see my eReader lying in front of me. So I open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
It breaks me free of Snerdbert’s spell. I look down, and see my gigantic member coiled around my thigh, just like it’s supposed to be. I rise to my feet, staring at Snerdbert with undisguised hatred.
His expression goes from evil gloating villain to whoa-let’s-take-it-easy-and-think-about-this. “Uh, Kent…” He raises both hands, palms out. “You know I was joking, right? You know I was—”
I pull the head of my cock, undoing the bow knot. As it uncoils in a quick surge of veins and dickskin—fwap-fwap-FWAP—Snerdbert turns and tries to run. Too late—my wiener snatches him up, coiling tightly around his limbs, his torso, his neck. I arch my hips and he raises into the air, bound into a spread-eagle posture. I flex a bit more, causing my dick to clamp down and cut off his circulation.
“Kkkk…please…Kent…KKKKK….” His eyes go red from burst capillaries. “HHHHHH—”
Then his head pops off and ricochets off the ceiling. It bounces twice, rolls toward me, then comes to a stop, rocking gently back and forth a few inches away from my feet.
“You should get that looked at,” I rasp to his decapitated head.
(Badass one-liner—YEAH!) 😀
Has some evil hypno-mentalist tried to convince you that your magical genitals are unaesthetic lumps of ridicule-worthy flesh? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜