Huh? Whuzzappening? Last thing I remember is Martha Stewart handing me a drink of—
The world hazes into focus. I’m in a room lined with funhouse mirrors; their distorted lenses reflect my hogtied, ball-gagged body back to my terror-widened eyes. A link of gleaming chains hangs from the ceiling. It’s hooked into the shiny leather harness that coats my torso, suspending me several feet above the floor. My arms and legs are arched back, knotted together with high-tensile rope. Emerging from my buttocks is a glowing, pulsing dildo. It’s capped with a She-Ra sword hilt.
God DAMMIT! I’ve got ONE tattoo—a tramp-stamp that reads EXIT ONLY in giant red letters, but no one pays ANY FUCKING ATTENTION TO IT!
The door creaks open and Martha walks in. She reaches behind her and shuts the door with deceptive gentleness.
“How are you doing, Kent?” She walks up to me and unclips my gag. I open my mouth to scream but she slaps me twice—wh’pap SMACK—with a forehand/backhand. She places a straightened finger against my lips.
“Shhh…shhhh…” She reaches into a belt-mounted treat pouch, produces a biscotti, and jams it into my mouth. Then she grabs my lower jaw with her prison-hardened hand and forces my jaw to work up and down.
“How does it taste, Kent?” she whispers.
Tears stream down my cheeks. “Oh God…DELICIOUS!” It comes out as, “ORR ROD…DEFIFOUS!”
An evil smirk settles onto her face. “Of course it does…I’m Martha Fucking Stewart. We’re about to get nuckin’ futz up in here, Kent. After we’re done, your asshole’ll make the Grand Canyon green with envy.”
My teary eyes widen—to the size of fucking dinner plates. With a herculean effort, I manage to swing forward and headbutt her waist. My jaw scraps against her pocket, pushing her phone out. It clatters across the floor, opening its eReader application to Echo, tapping into reality-shifting powers beyond our ken. Magic flash.
Martha Stewart arches back, roaring furiously as eldritch lightning arcs across her. In a few seconds, she’s morphed into my latest singer-crush: Christina Aguilera. (Goddamn—I LOVE the music video for Candyman! 😀 )
Christina undoes the sex-harness, removes the dildo-sword from my trembling buttocks, and scoops me up in her arms.
“I can repay you,” I gasp. “I possess a very particular set of skills—skills that make me a godsend to people like you.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
Kent Wayne—massive-membered Man Whore at your service! 😀
Have you been roofied by a Food Network icon with a dubious code of ethics? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜