14 BILLION YEARS AGO…
Holy FUCK am I bored.
Sigh. Might as well get this party started.
A BRIEF FLEX OF WILL, AND THEN THE UNIFIED CONSCIOUSNESS THAT FORMS ALL SEMBLANCE OF SEPARATION INSTANTIATES TIME AND SPACE, ALONG WITH THE FORCES THAT ALTERNATE BETWEEN ENTROPY AND ORDER, WHICH SUBSEQUENTLY DRIVE EVERYTHING IN CREATION.
NOW, IN A UNIVERSE EERILY SIMILAR TO OUR OWN…
“MOVE YOUR ASS! KENT WAYNE’S COMING, AND HE’S NOT TAKING PRISONERS!”
I push my teammate Elthaeas Stilesay in the small of his lower back, driving him forward. Weaponized light scorches the air as we run through the lines, trying to ignore the screams of our fellow resistance fighters as Kent Wayne mangles them through telekinesis, cerebral assault, and a variety of other unstoppable attacks. I look over my shoulder and instantly regret it—Kent’s gigantic, serpentine penis has coiled itself around one of our riflemen, and is twisting his spine into a labyrinthine corkscrew. His screams are accented by the gruesome crack of breaking vertebrae.
“Jesus,” Elthaeas sobs. “What the FUCK did we do to deserve this? How could Kent end up THIS deranged???”
“I have no idea,” I huff. “All I know is that we have to keep—”
And then I see it: the Holy eReader. Legend says that it has the power to distort reality itself.
I reach down to the artillery-cratered ground and flip it open. The cover for a book called “Echo” shines briefly on its screen before it’s overtaken by a magic flash.
The clouds part, and a wizened face appears in the sky. Colors without names streak across its cheeks and brow. Its voice booms through our minds and ears with incomprehensible harmony.
“AND THUS I GIVE YOU…MASTURBATION!”
And then the clouds close up. Kent Wayne pauses in his tracks and begins jerking his wiener. It looks like he’s bear-hugging a tree and dry-humping it as if his life depended on it. When he finally blows, thick goopy sperm erupt hundreds of feet into the air and rain down around us.
“Well…” I wince as smelly, asparagus-tainted goo spatters my face along with everything in sight.
“I guess it’s better than dying in horrendous pain.”
Masturbation: the key to ensuring that Kent Wayne never becomes a world-threatening Destroyer. Who could have guessed?
Are you a fragment of an all-powerful consciousness that’s created a reality which is destined to spiral into a morass of suffering because masturbation was never invented? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜