“The porn forest,” I whisper, reaching up to reverently brush my finger against the bottom edge of a gleaming blu-ray. “The legends are true.”
All around me, blu-rays and dvds dangle from tree branches, revolving and swaying from shining, silken strands.
“This is what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?” Gandalf strides up to me, his eyes crinkling into a grandfatherly smile.
“What have I done to deserve such bounty?” My eyes widen, and my lips gape open in stupefied awe. A Midsummer Night’s Cream. E3 the Extra Testicle. Fill Bill. All my favorites…
He claps me on the shoulder. “You were loyal to your talent, Kent. You worked long hours to refine your stories—stories which spread laughter and inspired the downtrodden.”
“I can’t believe this.” A single tear leaks down from my right eye. My lips curl up into a joyful grin. “This is—”
Beta males filter through the trees, surrounding me and Gandalf with their pedantic dicklessness. The Maiar wizard raises his staff, activating its crystal-tipped end with a guttural whisper. Enchanted light streams off the gem, bathing the forest with flickering incandescence.
“Beta males,” he hisses. “Away with you, you thrice-damned cuntpunters!”
The lead beta male inspects his nails. His shoulder shake with a single, humorless chuckle. “Kent Wayne has thumbed his nose at us for far too long. He doesn’t get to retire in an orgiastic pornucopia—not after what he’s done. He’ll pay for making us small-wienered folk sob over our acorn-like genitals. He’ll pay for winning arguments by thunking his meaty shaft onto the table and asking ‘What do you think of THIS?’ ” He points a quivering finger at me. “THAT’S NOT EVEN LOGIC!”
“It’s more than logic, ye ludicrous knave,” Gandalf scoffs. “It’s magic.”
The beta male leader’s eyes narrow into thin, hateful slits. “Enough.” He beckons to his followers with a forceful wave. “FUCKSTART HIS FACE! RUAAAAAHHHH!!!”
They come at us in an unending flood of pasty bodies and untoned limbs, battering our minds with their emasculated up-speak.
I lose myself to a red wave of fury. Gore trails my knuckles and spatters my face as I go full-on ape-man and beat these pussies with unchecked savagery. Gandalf is on my right, weaving spells as fast as he can. Every time he strikes an assailant with his glimmering staff, they shiver and detonate, saturating the air with their exploding insides.
We’re fighting ceaselessly, endlessly, but these goddamn beta males keep coming. My arms are tiring. Gandalf’s breathing in ragged, pained gasps.
We can’t win. There’s too many of them.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.
An X-wing screams toward us, filling our ears with the roar of its s-foil thrusters. Batman’s in the cockpit, his lips curled back in a take-no-shit scowl.
I can’t help it; I jizz my pants.
“EAT SHIT AND DIE, YOU BETA MALE FUCKSTICKS!” he screams through the X-wing’s speakers. His shoulders tense as he presses down on the turbolaser triggers, riddling the earth with giant lines of flashing red. Beta males go flying every which way, tossed wildly by the enormous, lethal bolts. Gandalf throws his cloak over me and we hunch beneath it, covering our ears and opening our mouths to alleviate the pressure.
In the midst of the barrage, the wizard and I exchange a mile-wide grin.
That’s what happens when you disrespect the Porn Forest’s sacred grounds! 😀
Has your pornucopic wonderland been sullied by a gang of annoying, smarmy, beta male fuckflakes? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀