My name is Plasma Cell 3740^872. Me and my bros are in charge of maintaining Kent’s muscular, smelly body.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
“Keep going, buddy.” I continue beckoning with my left tendril, guiding my fellow cell through a busy network of white blood cells, DNA, and platelets.
Plasma Cell 9808^519 looks over his shoulder, simultaneously manipulating the dials on his transport. His brow furrows in concentration as he backs a load of oxygen and nutrients into a mitochondrial receiving port. The mito gulps them down and gives an A-OK sign with its right tentacle.
Plasma pulls forward, then hops out of the transport.
“My shift’s up. Wanna go chill in the liver?”
“Fo sho, fo sho,” I say. “I could use a break.”
Suddenly, red lights begin flashing all around us.
“REE! REE! REE! KENT WAYNE IS SPEAKING WITH A SOCCER MOM! ALL CELLS, PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR SAFE ROOMS AND LOCK THE PROTECTIVE MEMBRANES! AVOID ALL CONTACT WITH HOSTILE TESTOSTERO—”
Before me and 9898^519 can exchange so much as a panicked look, a flood of spiky, aggressive testosterone molecules blast into our cellular chamber. They immediately start bludgeoning us with their oxygen-tipped ends, barking loudly at us all the while.
“GET TO THE BONER, MOTHERFUCKERS!”
“YOU—GO TO THE SHAFT! YOU—REINFORCE THE GLANS! YOU—DOWN TO THE BALLS!”
“WE’RE NOT PLAYING, BITCHFUCKS—MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!”
Another voice blares over the intercom. “This is True Hamster: the hamster-on-a-wheel Kent Wayne uses instead of a brain. All cells, resist the testosterone as much as possible; our host-body is engaged in mating rituals, but if we let Penis take control, then we’ll end up in prison with an eyeful of mace. Just give me a few more—BzzeoWWZZT!”
The testosterone attack force must have shut off his neurotransmitter comms. They immediately start barking at us again.
“GET A MOVE ON, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF ATOMS!”
“MOUTH SEX, VAJEEN SEX, BUTT SEX—MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT! WE GOT A LOTTA HOLES TO FILL!”
Fuck, man—I don’t wanna end up in an incarcerated host-body! So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Prefrontal Cortex’s stealth agents—millions of hormones trained in the ways of the Ninja, the Jedi, and the AVN-award-winning Porn Star—throw off their lipid cloaks and start beating the shit out of the rampaging testosterone molecules.
“Back to the Balls, assholes! Why the FUCK do you persist in thinking that whipping out Kent’s disgustingly large wiener or humping a leg is AN ACCEPTABLE FORM OF HITTING ON A WOMAN?”
In a matter of seconds, the entire attack force of invading testosterones have been forced back into the testes. The host-body is safe from prosecution once again.
Whew! Such is the life of being a cell in Kent Wayne—sci fi author and professional Man Whore!
Are you an errant plasma cell just trying to do your goddamn job, but you keep getting distracted by a blast of sex hormones? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜