“No, fuck YOU!”
“I’m the captain!”
“I’M the captain!”
“Throw this asshole overboard! Feed him to the sharks!”
“No! FUCKERS!” I struggle against four burly pirates as they grab me by the arms and start leading me toward the edge of the ship. I manage to poke one in his eyepatch and trip another, but they quickly recover and begin forcing me forward again.
“This is what you get Kent—this is what you get for constantly navigating us away from booty, and leading us toward hidden isles populated by Soccer Moms! You’re a shitty buccaneer—if you just stuck to the compass headings we gave you, then—”
“Those moms NEED me, you low-down smeg-snorters!” I twist and writhe in their grip, kicking both feet out and bracing them against the railing. “LET GO OF ME!”
“Throw some chum in as well—get them sharks good and ready to tear his ass apart!”
One of the pirates—Landsley—empties a bucket of fish guts over the side of the boat. The innards plop wetly down onto an ocean swell.
I am well and truly fucked.
So I dart my hand into my vest and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My wiener rips out from my trousers and dangles over the side of the ship. When a trio of sharks circle in and try to snap at it, it snaps right back, bludgeoning them viciously across with its enormous glans. That’s not all—a platoon of Soccer Moms materialize up and down the shaft, clutching curved blades between their teeth. They scamper up my dong and roll across the railing, landing in anime-style crouches and rising to their feet.
“Yar, fuckers.” The lead soccer mom points her cutlass at the nearest pirate and drifts it steadily across the rest of my assailants. “This Man Whore is under our protection.”
The pirates look uncertainly at each other. Then their faces harden.
The lead soccer mom smiles in response. “I was hoping you’d feel that way. RUAAAAHHHH!!!”
The soccer moms cut through my attackers like fresh piss through virgin snow. In a matter of seconds, the moms have commandeered the ship and ordered me to strip off the rest of my clothes.
And who I am to argue? HEH heh heh! 😉
*’70s porn music*
Are you a bored-ass pirate, your need for treasure overtaken by your need for booty? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜